Of course this makes playing difficult.  I dread it.  Which is not how I want it to be.  I also miss playing and writing terribly.  I finally gave in and asked my husband to let me buy memory upgrades.  We could have used the money for other things like going to the Seattle Comi-con, which he really wanted to go to.  But he let me buy the memory, so I should be able to start updating soon.

I have the next update written already, I just need to get pictures.  I also have a solid outline and a pretty decent plan that I’m excited to put into action.  I doubt it will survive as I have envisioned it, but if it comes close, I think this generation will be worth the wait.

A hint of what’s to come: Expose blogging, ballet poses, a mystery to be solved, a man that’s too good to be true, and a lost child.

Hopefully you’ll stick with me!

As a child, I had a pretty vivid imagination.  I liked to pretend many things.  I played princess a lot or dressed up as an astronaut and imagined that my room was a strange alien planet that I was seeing for the first time.  And I especially loved to play in the bathtub, imagining I was a mermaid or pretending that I was a submarine captain in the midst of battle.

“All clear Captain.  Looks like we blew those Monsters out of the water with that last torpedo!

No, no…what’s this?!  Captain, they managed to fire one last missile before they went down.  It’s going to hit!  Ahhhhhh!”

Water splashed out of the tub as I smashed my hands down in the fashion of a large missile explosion. 

“Oh no, we’re going down!  Abandon ship, abandon ship!

But a Captain always goes down with the ship.  I guess this is it for me.  I’m sinking!  I’m sinking!”

I slipped under the water blowing a few bubbles as I sank.  From under the water I heard a loud pounding on the door to the bathroom.  I sat up, water cascading down my body.  I pushed my wet hair off my face.

“SASHA!  GET OUT!  I’ve got to take a shower!”

“I’M NOT DONE YET!” I shouted at the door.  Lydia, predictably, kept pounding.

“SASHA COME ON!  Dad says you have to go to bed now anyway!”

“FINE!  I’m getting out!  GO AWAY!”

“FIVE MINUTES!”

“Five minutes,” I mimicked, sticking my tongue out at the closed door.  I flipped the lever on the drain and waited until the water started making one of those little funnels.

“All signs point to a strange water phenomenon,” I said in my best reporter’s voice.  “The SS Minnow was floating in the ocean just fine when a funnel opened up and sucked them in.  It appears that there were no survivors.  7 people, passengers and crew, all vanished.  What a tragedy.”

“Dad, you know that we already read this book last night, right?”

“We did. But isn’t it your favorite?”

“Nah.”  I said, even though he was right, it was.  “Peggy says it’s silly to have your dad read to you.  She won’t let Uncle Trevor read to her anymore.  She says I should read on my own.”

“What does Peggy know?  Does Uncle Trevor read a book like I do?”

I shrugged.  “She says being read to is for babies.”  I wasn’t sure I agreed.  I liked it when Dad read.  He did voices and sound effects.   But since I was 7 at the time, I figured my cousin probably was right.

“How about this, you read to me,” Dad said.  He offered me my favorite book.  I wasn’t sure if I really could read it, since I was just learning and all.  But I looked at the writing and just did my best.

“Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who was locked up in a tower by an evil queen…” I began, telling the story of Rapunzel.

When I was finished, Dad kissed the top of my head.  “Night Princess,” he said to me like always.

It wasn’t until he got to the door and was about to turn off the light that I said, “Dad?”

“Yes, Princess?”

“I’m not really a princess, right?”

“You’re my princess.”

“Yeah, but I don’t think I want to be that anymore.  Peggy says that playing princess is for babies.”

“Do you like playing princess?”

“Yeah, but it’s not real.  Maybe I should play something real.  Could I be an astronaut or a policeman…girl…or a firem…girl?”

“You can be anything you want.  But can I still call you Princess, just for me?”

“Sure Dad,” I smiled, and then yawned.  That’s when he turned out the light and shut my door almost all the way closed (not all the way ‘cause that’s when the monsters are allowed to come out).

“Daddy, why do I have to do homework?” I asked for like the thousandth time.  I hated doing homework.

“You have to do homework because that’s how you learn,” he said.

“But I don’t want to learn!”

“Of course you do.  You want to be smart so you can grow up and be whatever you want, right?”

“Princesses don’t have to do homework,” I muttered.

“Yes, they do.  How do you think they know how to rule a kingdom?”

He had a point.

“I don’t want to be a princess anyway.  Peggy says I’m not pretty enough to be one.”

“What?!” Daddy looked offended that I told him I wasn’t pretty.  But I wasn’t.  I knew this even if he didn’t.  Maybe Daddy’s always think their little girls are pretty.  But Peggy was right, this time.

“Peggy says princesses are blonde and have boobs and can sing good like in Tangled.”

“That’s just a movie.”

“Yeah, but I can’t be a real princess either.  Do you have to do homework if you are  a policeman or a fireman or an astronaut?”

Daddy coughed.  “Yes.  You do.  You have to be able to write and do  math and other things, too.”

“Oh.  Guess I don’t want to be those either, then.  I hate homework.”

Daddy coughed again.  “You still have to do it, Punkin.  Just take it slow.  We’ll get it finished and then you can go play or watch TV.”

And she had boobs, too.  She got them sometime after she started being a teenager.  I wasn’t sure if I’d get them then, too, but Lydia definitely did.  With her hair and eyes…well, Peggy and I both agreed that Lydia was totally princess material.

Peggy was my best friend.  We were cousins, but sort of like sisters, too.  See, Peggy is my biological sister.  I’m not really related to Lydia except maybe as a cousin.

Peggy admitted that she’s not princess material either, but I always thought that she believed that she was prettier than me.

“My mom’s pretty, so I probably will be, too,” she used to say.  “I’ll grow into it.”

“Me, too,” I insisted.

Aunt Laura was a surrogate for my two dads.  They used some of Daddy’s sperm to fertilize one of her eggs.  She is a doctor so she explained all that to both Peggy and me.

At the time I thought that in vitro fertilization sounded scary, but when she explained how regular fertilization (with a penis and a vagina) worked, I thought that sounded even scarier.  She showed us pictures of the needles used with IVF, and also penises.  I thought the penises were much worse!

Anyway, before I started school, my Dad got a book that was supposed to explain everything to me. “I have 2 Dads” it was called. He sat on my bed while Daddy sort of stood off to the side. In the book it talks about how it is perfectly ok to have two dads instead of a mom and a dad. That both of them love you in the same way as moms and dads love their children.

I thought the book was stupid. Of course it was ok. And of course they loved me! I hadn’t realized that my family was any different than anyone else’s and I didn’t need a book to tell me I was right, either.

“We just want you to understand, Punkin,” Daddy said anxiously. “If someone thinks it’s strange and makes fun of you, we want you to know that they are just being mean. Don’t let them get to you.”

“I won’t, Daddy.”

“You just tell anyone who says anything, that your parents love you just like theirs,” Dad said.

“I will Dad.”

“G’night Princess.”

“Night Dad.”

Daddy leaned over and gave me a kiss. “Just tell them that your Daddy can beat up their Daddy and also have him arrested if anyone makes fun of you,” he whispered in my ear. I giggled.

“Love you Daddy!”

She couldn’t sing—I’d heard her in the shower and she was always flat— but Lydia played the piano and had been in dance classes since she was my age. I figured dancing and piano were almost like singing.  Close enough.

Also, Lydia was always great with animals.  She even talked to them!  I know they didn’t talk back, but they always liked her better than me. 

We had three cats.  Kit, was Lydia’s cat.  Dad and Daddy gave her to Lydia when she was a baby.

Then there’s Patches.  Dad brought Patches home when I was a baby, but that didn’t make him my cat.  He always liked Lydia much better.

Patches and Kit liked each other and had three babies.  I wanted to keep all of them, but Daddy said was had too many cats, so he and Dad gave two of them to other families. 

The last one, the best one, became my cat.  I called him Alvin after my favorite Chipmunk, but he’s not like Alvin at all.  He sleeps a lot and is really skittish around me even now that he’s older.

Lydia said the way that I should show him that he was mine was to play with him and hold him a lot.  I did that, but he isn’t that cooperative.

Another princess-ish thing that Lydia had was a prince…or a boyfriend.  His name was Solomon Brandon (which is a weird name…I never understood why he had two first names).  She called him Sol.  Sol means sun (I looked it up). 

When I was younger, I thought he was the perfect prince.  He had blonde hair and green eyes, and he really liked Lydia, too, just like the princes in the movies Peggy and I used to watch.

Peggy said that we shouldn’t count Sol as a real prince because his nose was too big and he used stuff in his hair to make it stick up.  I disagreed, though.  I didn’t think his nose was too big and his hair wasn’t too sticky-uppy.  And I agreed with Lydia that his eyes (which were her favorite color) were really pretty.

Lydia went to Prom with Sol.  She even had a princess dress except it was sort of short.  Prom, both Peggy and I agreed, was like the ball in Cinderella.  Reluctantly Peggy had to accept that Sol could be considered a prince because he and Lydia were made King and Queen of the prom. She got a crown and everything, which she kept by her dancing trophy.  

I knew Lydia’s mom, Becky, wasn’t an evil queen, however.  I actually liked her. Since I really didn’t have a mom, I sometimes wished that Becky was my mom.  I thought she was really pretty, and I was jealous that she and Lydia get to hang out together and do mom and daughter stuff.

Lydia used to complain and say she’d rather stay  with me, Dad and Daddy because her mom wasn’t always in the best moods.  Becky also made her do chores and go to bed earlier than I did.  She also complained that they only got to watch what Becky wanted to watch on TV. 

I think the biggest complaint was that Becky made Lydia do all those ballet classes when Lydia really wanted to play soccer instead.  But when she became a teen, Lydia got to do both, so she stopped complaining about that.

Now Becky is married to someone named Holden, and they have a baby together.  Lydia doesn’t really like Holden and neither does Dad.  Holden is someone that Dad and Daddy sort of fight about.  Daddy says that Holden makes Becky happy.  Dad says that Holden isn’t good enough for Becky.

I overheard them arguing and Daddy stormed off accusing Dad of having feelings for Becky still.

I knew that Daddy was being jealous for no reason.  He and Dad are always kissing and hugging and stuff.  It’s obvious that Dad doesn’t have any feelings for Lydia’s mom.

And I saw Becky with Holden and their baby.  I thought they looked really happy.  Lydia got really mad at me that day for following her to the Red Rooster on my bike.  I wasn’t really spying on her, but that’s what Lydia thought I was doing.  Also, she thought Dad would get mad if he’d known that I had gone there.  I had to promise to do the dishes for a month to get her not to tell on me.

However, from what I could tell, Lydia may not like Holden, but I think she mostly dislikes sharing her mom’s attention now that they have a new baby.  Lydia is always complaining that Anthony (that’s her brother) cries a lot.

Sometimes I wondered if Lydia felt the same way about me as she did her baby brother Anthony. 

I don’t know if she minds that Daddy is just like a step-father.  She doesn’t complain or get upset when Daddy and I have our special nights together each month.  Daddy says that those nights are just for us because Lydia gets to spend special time with her mom.

Lydia may not have felt jealous of me, but there were lots of times when I was jealous of  her.

Like all the times she got to hang out with Dad.  Dad spends a lot of time teaching her to drive.  And now that she’s on the soccer team, he’s been training her. 

Every weekend, all Dad can talk about is soccer and how Lydia’s team is going to win some championship award.  He thinks that Lydia could go to college on a scholarship.

Dad promised that he would teach me to drive, too, but I know that I won’t ever be on the soccer team.  Unlike Lydia, I’m not good at soccer or ballet or music.  Dad and Lydia are always talking about soccer.  He and I don’t have any similar interests.  I like school and making up stories.  Dad says that I am a lot like Aunt Laura and his other sister, my aunt Barbara that way.

I know I’m a lot younger than her and she could have ignored me, but when Lydia was home, she and I spent a lot of time together.  She even let me help her get ready for her prom.  It was fun.  She confided to me that she was afraid that Sol wouldn’t know how to dance or that she could trip in her new high heels.  Of course those fears were unfounded, but I liked laughing with her about them.

That same night, she let me use some of her make up and we laughed at the results.  It was like a joke just between us to see how long it would take Dad or Daddy to notice and make me wash it off.

Still, we weren’t friends all the time.  She was always yelling at me to get out of the bathroom even though she spent twice as long as me in there.  She just didn’t understand that I was playing in the tub! 

Also, she got mad if I was pretending to be the queen of the dining room and she was doing homework. I tried to tell her that since I was queen, I could decree that homework would be outlawed and she wouldn’t have to do it, but she didn’t play along.

“I have to get this calculus done, Sasha!  I have a huge test Monday.  Go play somewhere else,” she yelled at me.

Other times got mad at Lydia because she always managed to get out of chores when I knew that it was her turn.  Dad and Daddy took her side since she was only with us on the weekends.

“But I did them last time!” I would insist.

“No you didn’t.  It’s your turn.”

“I always do the dishes!” I stomped my foot.

“Stop whining Sasha.  Quit being such a cry baby.”

Dad and Daddy usually ended our fights by telling Lydia not to call me names, but I still ended up doing the dishes anyway, which wasn’t fair at all.

Most of the time, however, Lydia was great.  She helped me with my homework.  She also gave me tips for controlling my thick, unruly hair.  And now that I’m older, she taught me how to put on make up the right way, not like I did when I was a kid.

I still worry a lot about being pretty, but Lydia just laughs away my concerns.  Ever since I was little she’s always said, “Pretty is what’s on the inside, Sash.  But I think you’re pretty on the outside, too.”

I just turned 13 today and will be going to the high school with Lydia in the morning.  My hair is still unruly, I suck at putting on make up, and I know for a fact that I will be considered the ‘ugly’ sister.  I just hope that Lydia’s right about it not mattering.

My relationship with Jake progressed slowly.  We met up after work a lot at first.  We didn’t call these dates, but that’s what they were.

I also spent a lot of time helping Jake work on his house.  He was good at the outside fixes, but I was much better at what needed to be done inside.

When we weren’t remodeling, Jake and I liked to take Lydia to the park.  Jake really loved kids.  He enjoyed playing with Lydia, and I loved watching them together.

Maybe it was seeing how he was with my daughter, or maybe it was watching him swing a hammer as he fixed up a loose shingle on his house, or maybe it was just hanging out with him, I soon figured out that I was in love with Jake.

The physical side of our relationship followed.  Jake knew that I hadn’t been intimate with a man, so he didn’t push me, but eventually I knew that I wanted to be with him that way.  I eventually got the shower scene I’d always wanted.  And much more.

While I spent time with Jake, Becky decided that she needed to find a place of her own.  She knew that I wanted to move in with Jake.  She figured it was time that she and Lydia moved out of my brother’s house.

“Becky, are you sure you want to move out now?  TJ and Ros don’t mind you living here.  Since you work from home, you are a lot of help with Theo.” I was concerned about Becky’s move, especially when she got involved in her writing one day and forgot the waffles she’d put in the oven, starting a kitchen fire.

The damage was minimal, but what would Becky have done if either TJ or I hadn’t been there to put the fire out?

“It was one time!” Becky argued.  “I got distracted once.  In all of these years, I’ve never done anything like that!”

“But what about Lydia?”

“What about her?”

“Who would she stay with?”  I didn’t know.  It wasn’t like Becky and I were married, but I didn’t want to just give up complete custody of my daughter.

As a surprise, Jake had fixed up a room just for Lydia.

“I hope you don’t mind, GC,” he said sheepishly when he showed it to me.  “I know we haven’t really talked about this, but I’d really like you to move in with me.”

The room was perfect and of course I said yes.  But I knew it would be an argument with Becky when I told her about it.

In the end we worked out an agreement.  Since Becky worked from home, Lydia would stay with her during the week.  I would pick her up Friday night and she’d stay weekends with me.  Becky would come and pick her up on Sundays.

Though Becky wasn’t exactly pleased that I was moving in with Jake, she didn’t do anything to come between us either.

Becky and Jake eventually became sort of friends.  Jake was easy to like.  He did his best to win her over.  What did it for them, I think, was how great Jake was with Lydia.  By the time it was Lydia’s 5th birthday, Becky even agreed to let Jake and I throw the birthday party.

I think another factor in Becky’s attitude toward Jake had to do with her new boyfriend.  His name was Holden Wolzy, and he worked at the Newspaper.  Though I thought he had a huge chin and was a bit dull, I realized that he was good for Becky.  He seemed like a good person and he treated her nicely, which she deserved.

The party was a success, I thought.  Jake did a good job on the cake and everyone seemed to have fun.  Then, after we had cake, Jake and I made an announcement.

“We’ve decided to get married,” I informed all of our family and friends who’d gathered around.

“Since they passed the Gay Marriage law, we thought we’d go ahead and make it official,” Jake added.

At the insistence of my sister, Laura, Jake explained how I had proposed to him in the park a few days earlier.  We’d taken Lydia there to play like we often did.  It was my favorite place to go with Jake, so I thought it would be the perfect place.

Jake gushed as he explained how I got down on my knee and stammered out my question.

“I thought he was going to drop the ring,” Jake laughed.

“Hey, I’ve never proposed before,” I smacked his shoulder.  We both laughed as everyone congratulated us.  Even Becky seemed pleased.

As a birthday present for Lydia, Jake and I added a new member to our family: a kitten that we let Lydia name Kit.  We also redecorated Jake’s study into a big-girl room for Lydia.  Jake was the one who did most of the work.  He told Lydia it was her new Fairy Princess room.  He hoped it felt like she was sleeping in Fairyland.

We were really happy that Lydia seemed to like both of her gifts.  It was a fear of mine that she wouldn’t understand that I was marrying Jake.  Perhaps she didn’t realize anything was wrong with it because she’d never known any different.

We didn’t get married right away.  Jake wanted a big wedding complete with a bachelor party beforehand.  Setting that up took time.  Meanwhile, I was busy with work (though not as busy as I had been when Royce was setting arson fires all over town).  Jake, too, had his hands full at work.  He often came home exhausted after working over time.

“It’s been an adjustment since your uncle Julian passed away.  The new chief isn’t as accomplished as Chief Harold.  I suppose that’s because Julian had been doing it for over 20 years.  It will get better,” Jake promised me as he fell into bed and was asleep before I could even give him a kiss.

TJ was responsible for our bachelor party.  I am not sure why he made us wear the stupid hats.  But there was lots of nectar at the party.  We even drank some of it, but mostly it ended up being shaken up and sprayed around.

I even got TJ as a punishment for the stupid hat, I suppose.

After I soaked him, though, TJ told me he had more surprises in store for us.  And that’s when two police officers walked in.

“We heard about a disturbance,” they said all serious, but after a beat the two of them yanked off their uniforms and screamed, “this party is too dull!  Let’s dance!”

I couldn’t believe it.  Most of the people at the party were straight, but TJ bought us male strippers!

The two of them made sure to “dance” with both Jake and I, but we weren’t the only one who enjoyed them.

No one was more shocked than I was to see Alex at our party.  He was still living in France with Rene. But he’d come down just to go to my wedding.

“I wouldn’t miss it, GC.  I’m so happy that you’re happy,” he told me.

But I’m not sure if he really was.  I saw him talking with Jake and resolved to find out what they’d discussed, but mostly Alex spent time ogling the strippers and getting drunk.

After TJ toasted Jake and I and we kissed to the raucous encouragement of all of our friends, I saw Alex hitting on pretty much any guy he saw.  Someone had sprayed him with nectar and he’d stripped off all of his clothes.  It was sad to see.

I finally had to get TJ to call him a cab and send him home.  I didn’t know what was going on, but I would talk to Becky later and find out.

I didn’t find out until the wedding what was wrong.  Alex and Rene were having problems.

“I don’t know if I’m going back to France,” Alex told me.

“It’s that bad?” I asked.

“Sometimes.  But don’t let that spoil your wedding, GC.  I don’t want to be a downer.  It’s your day.”

“Thanks Alex.  I’m glad you could come.  I’m so happy!”

“I’m really happy for you GC.  Honest.  Sorry about how I acted the other night.”

Oh our wedding was wonderful.  TJ cried, which shocked me.  But I couldn’t stop grinning.  I kept messing with the ring that Jake had placed on my finger and smiling as I remembered our first kiss as a married couple.

Even Alex seemed happy during the reception party.  I was glad that he didn’t let whatever problems he and Rene were having affect his enjoyment of the night.  He seemed genuinely happy for me.  Later he even entertained everyone by playing on Jake’s piano.  I was surprised that he could play.  It was something I didn’t know about him.

Time passed and we decided to add to our family.  I brought him a stray kitten that was hanging around the firehouse.  Jake and I wanted to to make a different addition to the family, but we still hadn’t figured out exactly what we were going to do.

The new kitten Lydia named Patches.  He and little kit weren’t exactly friends at first, but eventually I think they got along.

“I love the new kitten,” Jake told me, “but what about the other type of adoption we were talking about?”

“You know I’m ok with it,” I said to him, “But I think we should do the other first.”

The ‘other’ was actually having a baby together.  One that shared DNA with both of us.  Now, I knew that it was physically impossible, but I’d been talking to Jake about artificial insemination.

“It isn’t fair that I have a natural daughter and you don’t,” I argued.  “I’d like to have a little piece of you in our child.”

“But how can we do that?” Jake was exasperated.  “Are we going to ask some random woman to be a surrogate mother?”

“No.  I thought I’d ask my sisters.”  It was a good solution to the problem.  If one of my sisters would help us, we could have a baby that was a combination of both of our genetics.  My sisters were as close to me as could be since we were triplets.

“They won’t agree!” Jake threw up his hands.  “GC, you’re crazy to think this is a good idea.”

“We can ask.”

I don’t know why I bothered asking Barbara and Eddie first.  I suppose I should have known that they’d say no.

“I hated being pregnant,” Barbara told me.  “Why can’t you just adopt a baby, GC?”

“Because I want a baby that is both of ours…one that has our DNA.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit selfish,” Eddie asked.  He was as much against the idea as his wife.  He and I didn’t have the best of friendships.  I shouldn’t have been surprised that he wouldn’t agree.

I let Jake do most of the talking with Laura and her husband Trevor.  The two of them didn’t refuse right away like Barbara and Eddie.

“I get why you want this,” Trevor said, sympathetically.  “I mean, adoption’s great, but having someone to pass your legacy to, that’s important.”

“Do you think you would be ok with Laura carrying a baby for us?” Jake asked.

“I don’t know,” Trevor answered honestly.  “I suppose we’d all have to really work it out.  Maybe see one of those family counselors at Laura’s hospital.  It’s not an easy procedure, I’ve heard.  It’s kind of painful.”

So we talked about it a lot.  Laura and Trevor and Jake and I met with a fertility specialist at the hospital and talked to counselors to make sure we were all doing the right thing.  In the end, Laura agreed to do it.

Laura was the perfect choice, I suppose.  She was interested enough in the medical science side of what we were doing to divorce herself from the more emotional side.

“Don’t worry GC,” Laura assured me for the thousandth time.  “I will be the best aunt.  I know this isn’t my baby.  Even Brenton, knows that I’m carrying your daughter.”  Brenton was Laura and Trevor’s son, who was four.  In actuality, I think he was the most comfortable with this arrangement, accepting it with the simple logic of a child.

Lydia, also, seemed to be accepting of what we were doing.  She liked playing in the “baby’s room” as she called it.

“It’s your old room,” I told her.

“Yes, but the baby will sleep there.”  I nodded.

Lydia’s only concern was the fact that the baby would be living with us full time and she had to go home to her mom’s every week.

“Will you love me as much when the baby comes,” she asked Jake.  I was in the kitchen making a sandwich.  I stilled, straining to hear his reply.

“I will always love you, Lyd. You’re my sweet girl.”

“But the baby gets to stay every day.  You’ll see her more.  Will you love her more because of that?”

“No!  Of course not.  You are here each weekend.  It doesn’t matter that you’re not here during the week.”

“Ok.”  Lydia didn’t sound too convinced.

“Give me a hug, Lydi-bug,” Jake said, using his nickname for her.

Back in the kitchen, I was nearly in tears.  I had always wanted Lydia to stay with us full-time, but I couldn’t do that to Becky.  Lydia was all Becky had.  Holden, Becky’s ex-boyfriend, and she had broken up.

Jake and I were very happy when Laura went into labor.  Trevor called us and we both went to the hospital to help with the delivery.

“A guy shouldn’t see his sister this way,” I joked with Laura helping her keep track of her breaths.

“Just count, GC!” she growled at me.  Both Jake and Trevor were telling her to push.

She squeezed my hand and grunted, pushing our little Sasha into the world.  The doctors gave the baby to Laura first.  At that moment, I was most afraid that she would change her mind, but she didn’t.

“Hi,” she whispered to the little bundle. “I’m your aunt Laura.  Want to meet your daddies?”

That’s when she handed the baby to me and Jake.  Our daughter.

Happy New Year!

Heather

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 40,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 15 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

I watched Alex fly into the arms of another man, his ex-boyfriend.  Rene.  The French bastard.

Ok, so I didn’t know Rene at all, but he had to be a bastard otherwise why would he have let Alex go?

I stood there awkwardly as Rene and Alex erupted in a spate of French.  I had no idea what they were saying.  Then Alex motioned over to me.

“Rene, this is my friend GC Fields.  GC, this is Rene Morel.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” I said, politely.  He shook my hand, saying, “A pleasure,” in that smooth French way.  He had a weak handshake, which made me smile inside.

“Rene was just telling me that he’s in town for an Art exhibit.  I told you that he was an artist, right?” I nodded.  “Well, he’s actually got some pieces in the Twinbrook Art Museum.  He was invited here to show his work as a part of an international collection of young artists.  Isn’t that great!?”

“Great,” I said.

“It is really notheeng,” Rene waved off Alex’s excitement.  “There are others here from China and Egypt, too.  And some local artists as well.”

“Don’t be modest,” Alex gushed.  “Your work was always fantastic.”

Alex and Rene kept talking about the art museum and I tuned them out.  I figured that I wouldn’t be going back to Alex’s apartment after all.  I was eaten alive with jealousy as Alex seemed genuinely happy to see his ex.  I might not be going home with Alex, but I was going to make damned sure that he wasn’t going to go home with Rene either.

“Maybe we should get a drink and sit down,” I suggested.

Although I was barely listening, I did find out that the exhibit at which Rene’s work would be shown was being sponsored by my mother and the Twinbrook Improvement Society.  Hearing this, I mentally cursed her.  She  had taken up her charity work again now that dad was gone.  I wish she had joined the school board or something else.  Then Rene could have stayed in France.

Another thing I found out as Rene blathered on, was that he was related to someone named Pascal Morel.  This name meant nothing to me, really, but according to Rene when he found out who my mother was, we were distantly related.

“Mais oui!  Your grandmother, Candeece?  She visit Champs les Sims and met mon uncle, Pascal.  He visited your fair Tweenbrook and they were lovers, you see?”  He shrugged in that offhanded French way as if becoming lovers with some French man-slut was a common thing.  Still, I was so shocked by what he was saying that I sputtered on my drink.

“Candice had a lover? I thought her husband’s name was Jean-Paul?”

“Oh, Candeece and mon uncle deed not get married.  He went back to France.  But she had a child, non?  Your mother?  Leela Fields.”

I nodded.  “Leela was Pascal’s child.  Surely you knew thees?”

“I guess not.  My mother doesn’t like to talk about her mother.  Candice is gone now and we’re all grateful.”

“Ah.  Je suis desole.  I deed not mean to breeng up the past.  But it is fascinating that we are cousins, non?”

“I think it’s awesome, don’t you GC?  Imagine being distant relatives.  What are the odds?”  Alex was thrilled with the connection I unwillingly shared with Rene.  “I sort of see the resemblance,” he said.  Rene smiled at him, but I frowned.

We continued to talk until Mick at the bar called closing time.  I looked at my watch and realized that it was nearly 2am.  I had told TJ that I wouldn’t be home to feed Lydia, but I suppose I had no reason not to get home after all.

“Are you staying at the Twinbrook Inn?” I asked Rene.  “We could drop you off there on the way home.”  I really didn’t want to, but I figured that if we didn’t give the guy a ride, he’d end up at Alex’s place.

“Mais oui.  Cousin Leela made the arrangements for my stay here.”

“You don’t have to stay at the Inn,” Alex said, which had me mentally cursing.  “You could always stay with me.”

Now Rene looked at Alex and then back to me again.  I suppose some of my feelings were showing on my face.  I didn’t like Alex’s offer one bit.  “Non, Aleex.  We did not leave each other as the best of friends.  I am ‘appy that we were able to see each other again, but I do not want to intrude.”

Alex seemed disappointed, but he accepted Rene’s refusal to stay at his place.  I accepted Rene’s insistence in getting a cab, too.  When he was gone, I turned to Alex and smiled, ruefully.

“I suppose we’ll have to take a rain check on your place tonight,” I said.

Alex nodded.  “I’m sorry GC.  I never expected to see Rene again.”

“I know.”

“I can’t believe he’s here.”

“Me either.”  I sighed.

So Alex drove me home instead of going to his apartment.  Trying to salvage something of the night, I leaned over to kiss his cheek.  “I’m going to hold you to the rain check,” I told him.  “I really wanted to see your apartment.”

“You don’t have to go home GC,” Alex smiled at me.  His eyes sparkled at me mischievously.  I could tell that he was thinking of what we had planned to do before we’d seen Rene.  “I can turn around right now and go to my place.”

I was glad he still seemed to want me, but I said, “No.  I’ll see you later.  I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I never got the chance to call Alex the next day, though.  Instead I was woken early by Lydia who needed changing.  I came upstairs and found Becky in the kitchen making waffles.

“You missed your curfew, GC,” she said, not even looking up from her work.

“Yeah.  Sorry.  I called TJ, though.”

“I know.  Did you and Alex have a fun night?”  I could tell by the stiff set to her shoulders that she was angry and trying not to be.

“Not really,” I answered honestly.  “We saw Rene in the bar.”

Becky turned around, her waffles forgotten.  “Rene?  Alex’s old boyfriend?”

“Yeah.”

Becky started to laugh.  “Oh man!  That’s so rich!  Rene?  Really?”  She doubled over.

“Jeez, Beks.  I don’t know why that’s so funny.”

“Karma!  GC, karma.”

Grumbling, I went back downstairs to work out or distract myself with some video games.  It was my day off, but I had no plans.  It irritated me that Becky was right.  Seeing Rene and Alex’s reaction to Rene, I had been jealous.  It must have been how Becky felt with me…at least a little bit.

But Alex didn’t like Rene anymore, did he?  I mean, they broke up long ago.  And the Frenchman wasn’t going to be in town long, right?

I probably could have worried about Rene all day until I had called Alex, but I didn’t get the chance.   TJ came pounding down the stairs calling my name.

“GC!  Get your gear.  We have to go in.  Five alarm fire at the museum!”

“Shit!”  I scrambled off my sofa and ran for my stuff.  We got into TJ’s car and rushed out to the scene.  We didn’t even stop in at the station.  While TJ drove, I called us in.  The Chief said our gear would be waiting for us on site.

The fire was in full effect when we arrived.  We quickly suited up and headed over to the other firemen battling the blaze.  TJ grabbed a hose and headed in.  I stopped to talk to uncle Julian who was also there.

“Any chance of saving some of the artwork?” I asked.

“No.  Not likely.”

“Arson again?”

“Probably.  We’ll know once it’s out.  But I have my suspicions.”

“You have to catch this guy!”

Julian nodded in agreement, his eyes on the fire.  They were glowing red with his vampire powers.  “I know that.  And I think he finally made a mistake.  I’ve got him now,” Julian muttered.

I didn’t have time to wonder what Julian had figured out.  I heard a crash of a window blowing out.  I rushed off to do my job.

Afterwards, I forgot the exchange with Uncle Julian.  I didn’t remember until the next day when TJ and I were going over the details of the fire for our report.

“I think Julian found something last night,” I told my brother.

“He knows who did it?”

“I don’t know.  He said something about a mistake.”

“We should go see him,” TJ said, voicing exactly what I was thinking.

So we went over to Julian’s house.  Our aunt, Ashleigh, was home but Julian was not.  “He’s at the police station guys.  He hasn’t been home at all since the fire.”

“Thanks,” we said, giving her a hug before we took off again.  We should have just called the police station before heading out, I figured.  But it didn’t matter.

TJ and I arrived at the station and headed in to Julian’s office.  We found him there on a video conference with the FBI’s vampire division.

“It’s the only explanation,” he was saying.  “I know it’s crazy, but think about it.  Vampires are different than humans.  They have longer memories.”

Vampires?  TJ and I exchanged a look.  We didn’t know what the heck was Julian talking about.

“You think this is the work of a vampire?” TJ asked, startling Julian who motioned for us to take a seat.  He finished told the FBI we were there and then put us on speaker.

“Vampires hate fire,” I said, remembering the lesson I had learned so long ago.

“Why would a vampire be trying to set fire to Twinbrook?” TJ asked persistently.

“We’re not sure if you’re right about this, Chief,” one of the FBI guys said over the speaker.

“I know I’m right, Jenkins,” Julian snarled.  “It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“You found a connection between this fire and all of the others?” I asked.

“Yes.”  Julian nodded.

“We think so,” the voice on speaker said.

“The school, the theatre, the junk yard, the stadium, the courthouse, and the art museum?  What do they all have in common?”

“The Fields,” Julian said causing me and TJ to both gasp in shock.

“Us?”

“Not you specifically, but your family.  Our family.” Julian told the FBI that he was going to explain things to us.  He gave orders for them to look for a vampire with hair the color of dark blood and eyes that glued a shining green.  For a minute, I thought he was describing my other uncle.

“Malcolm?”  TJ clearly had the same thought as I had.

“No,” Julian shook his head.  “Not Malcolm.  Royce Kendrick.”

That name meant nothing to me.  Maybe I should have known it, but I didn’t.  Some of my confusion must have shown because Uncle Julian gave us a brief explanation of his father, Jean-Paul, and his grandfather, Royce Kendrick.

“Royce married an ancestor of yours, Gwen Fields.  She was the cousin of your great, great grandfather, Mickey Fields, the musician.  Gwen herself was a bit of a musician, but not as popular as Mickey.  They had a child together, Jean-Paul.  They lived next door to your grandmother, which is where Candice met him.”

“So, Royce is sort of like a great, great grandfather to us, too?”

“Yes.”

“But I thought that Jean-Paul’s father ran off after Glenna Fields killed Jean-Paul.  Didn’t he disappear at the same time as Candice?”

Julian nodded.  “That’s what happened.  Malcolm and I thought he had gone into the sun after our father’s death.  He was devastated when Jean-Paul died.  He never surfaced when Candice was running things in Bridgeport.  At least we never heard about him.”

“Could he have been there?”  TJ asked.  I could tell that he was trying to remember the vampires that had tortured him and fed from him when we were kids.  Could one of them have been Royce?

“How do you know that the fires were started by Royce?  What makes you suspect that he’s the connection?”

“The school is where Candice and Jean-Paul met.  Jean-Paul was the first vampire to have ever attended there.  The theatre is where Royce met Gwen Fields.  He and Gwen used to own it back in the day.  The junk-yard was a place that Candice liked to go.  She was into making bombs and setting fire to things.  Royce was probably doing the same thing.”

“The courthouse is the obvious connection,” I said.  “Mom worked there and so did Malcolm.  But what about the stadium and art museum?” I asked.

“Few people know that Royce was a professional athlete while living with Candice and Jean-Paul in Barnacle Bay.  And the art museum, well that one doesn’t seem to fit at all, except for one thing.”

“What thing is that?  There hasn’t been an artist in the Fields family since Mickey Fields dabbled in it.”

“Ah, that’s true.  But that’s not the mistake Royce made.  Do you know who is showing at the Art Museum?”

I nodded.  I had just spent the evening with one of the artists.  Rene.  “Sure, it’s young artists from around the globe.  What does that have to do with the Fields?”

“It doesn’t.  And that was the mistake Royce made.  The artist he targeted at the museum is not connected to the Fields at all, except that he’s a relative of a certain French man.”

“Rene Morel!” I interrupted.  “You’re talking about Rene.  He’s related to Pascal Morel who had an affair with Candice when they were kids.”

Julian gave me a questioning look, like I had spoiled his surprise, which I suppose I had.  But I still didn’t know why that was a mistake or even had anything to do with the arsonist.

“I still don’t get it.”

“Royce knew that Candice had slept with Pascal Morel while she was dating Jean-Paul.  Pascal fathered Lila, your mother.  It was something that infuriated Royce.  Jean-Paul had made his father promise not to do anything to the young Frenchman because he had forgiven Candice for her indiscretion.  He’d loved how wicked Candice was.

That’s why it was a mistake.  I wouldn’t have made the connection had Royce not sought out a means of harming Morel’s descendent.  It is only something a vampire would do.  It is the type of vengeance a vampire would find acceptable.”

“That’s a pretty big leap of logic,” TJ said skeptically.  “Why would Royce be doing all of this now?  Candice is gone.  Our mother is old and will die sooner than later.  There’s only us for him to take vengeance on.”

“Exactly.  You are like your mother, not seeing things the way a vampire would.  Royce is punishing you, not your mother or Candice.  He’s also punishing me and Malcolm, too.”

“That seems extreme.”

“Yes, it would seem that way.  But I know that’s what he was doing.  And he wants me to know it.”  Julian looked thoughtful.  “Perhaps the museum wasn’t a mistake after all.”

“What do you mean?”

“He wanted me to know.”  Julian looked concerned, he started running out of his office.  “Come on!” he shouted as he dashed past us.  “To my house!”

Vampires move fast, so there was no hope of us catching up to him.  By the time we arrived back at his house, Julian was already there.  So were two fire trucks and several of our colleagues.  They had the blaze under control, but it was still burning.

“Ashleigh!” Julian was screaming, panicking when he didn’t see her.

“There was someone inside!” I found the fireman in charge of the alarm.  “A woman.  Did you rescue a woman?”

“No one was outside when we got here.  A neighbor called it in.  She might still be in there.”

I started suiting up, using the extra gear in one of the truck’s compartments.  “I’m going in,” I said.

TJ saw me and told me not to do what I was planning, but he couldn’t stop me.  I had to go in.  In my head I was seeing the fear in Candice’s eyes when she saw the fire in the warehouse.  I also heard the screams of my sisters before our dad came to rescue us.  I knew what it felt like to be in the middle of a blaze and not know if anyone would find you.

I found Ashleigh on the second floor.  She was trapped in the bathroom, where she’d wisely gone to escape the blaze.  Unfortunately the window was too high for her to escape from.  Smoke was curling into the room, but the fire hadn’t reached her yet.  I managed to carry her out.  She was very fortunate.

“If he targeted me, he’s going to come for the rest of us, too,” Julian told me once he assured himself that Ashleigh was safe.

“Go get your mother.  Get your sisters.  Stay in one place.”

“But how are we going to stop him?” I asked.  I didn’t know how safe we’d be if we were all in the same area.  Couldn’t Royce come and burn us all down together in one massive pyre?

“I will call him out,” Julian said.  “Malcolm and I.  This is our fight.  We are vampire, like Royce.  He will answer our call.”

“So you’ll just fight him, like in the movies or something?  What if you don’t win?”

“If we don’t win, you will all die.  It will only be a matter of time.”

“Wonderful,” TJ said.  “I’m not going out without a fight.”

“Protect your families,” Julian said.  “Take Ashleigh with you and keep her safe, too.”

Ashleigh looked like she wanted to protest her husband’s orders, but she was too weak.  I took her hand.

“Let’s get everyone together,” I said.  “TJ, you call the girls.  I’ll call Mom.  We’ll meet at your house.”

Once we were all assembled, we waited.  It was like waiting out a hurricane or other natural disaster.  The worst part was that TJ and I were not used to waiting when people’s lives were in danger.

“I think we should go help them,” I said to my brother.  “It might be the thing that brings Royce Kendrick down.”

“We can’t, GC.  What about our families?  Our children?”

He was right.  There was nothing we could do but wait.

Hours passed.  The longer it took, the harder it was to stay calm.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Mom kept saying.  “I wish that Candice and her evil would just stay gone!”

“Candice is gone, Mom,” Laura comforted our mother.  “She can’t hurt us.”

“But he can.  He’s out there and he’s after us all because of her!”

“Julian and Malcolm will stop him,” I said with false confidence.  “Julian saved us once before.”

We had to have faith that Julian could save us again, but it was hard.  We put the children to bed, each of us tried to catch sleep whenever and wherever we could.  Roselyn made lots of food, saying we all had to eat and cooking made her relax.

Near dawn, my cell phone rang.

“It’s over.”

“Julian?”

“No.  It’s Malcolm.  I’m at the front door.”

I ran upstairs to the door where my uncle was waiting to be let in.  He was alone, his face haggard.

“Where’s Julian?” Mom, who came up after me, asked when she saw Malcolm alone.

“He’s gone,” Malcolm said, wearily.  He looked like he was going to collapse.

“Royce and he fought.  Julian was angry, wanting revenge for what Royce had done to Ashleigh.  He fought fiercely but full of emotion.  Royce took him out.  However, Julian’s sacrifice weakened our grandfather and I was able to fight him and win.”

Mom and Malcolm were both crying.  “My brother is gone!”  she sobbed, and threw herself into his arms.  Ashleigh too was sobbing uncontrollably.  I put an arm around her, trying to give what comfort I could.

When Malcolm had composed himself, I asked, “But Royce Kendrick is gone, too, right?  Royce won’t ever trouble us again?”

“No, he won’t,” Malcolm agreed.

“And no other vampire will be seeking vengeance for his death, will they?”

“No.  I am the last of his line.”

“I’m sorry Uncle Malcolm,” I said. “I wish it could have been different.  Uncle Julian was a brave, good man.”

The entire city held a funeral for Julian.  He had been the chief of police for a long time.  Malcolm, who was still holding the office of governor, officiated his funeral, making sure that Julian was awarded full honors.

After Julian’s death, Mom’s health declined.  She lived to see her grand children each turn three (Barbara and Laura both had babies around the same age as Lydia).  She died in her sleep.  Barbara, who found her, said she looked happy.  I hoped that she was spending her afterlife with our dad, Keenan, and TJ’s dad, Franklin.  And maybe she’d even hang out with Uncle Julian.

Alex and I did not get together after the fire.  We never got our shower scene.  I suppose it was for the best.  Alex decided to go back to France where he now lives with Rene.  As for me, I have moved on.

It took me awhile.  I’m sorry to say that I didn’t take Alex’s decision easily.  Another drunken night at the Hole found me hung over and sick as a dog waking up on an unfamiliar couch.

I managed to get up without throwing up and followed the sound of someone singing off key.  I heard the sound of a shower.  I had no idea whose bathroom I was standing in front of, but at the time I didn’t care.  I couldn’t control my stomach any longer.  Pushing the door open, I barely noticed the naked man who’d stopped singing mid-verse, as I was violently sick in the adjacent toilet.

I lay with my head cradled miserably against the porcelain as the water shut off and the guy stepped out.

“Sorry,” I managed.

“You’re a terrible drunk, GC,” the man said, chuckling.  That’s when I knew that I had come home with Jake O’Donnell, my waiter at the bar.

I didn’t raise my head as I heard Jake towel off and head out of the bathroom.  I still hadn’t moved when he came back in several minutes later.

“You should take a shower, GC.  I put an extra towel out.  I’ll be in the kitchen.  I won’t make anything greasy like bacon or runny like eggs.”

I groaned at the thought of breakfast food.  My stomach churned and I threw up again.  Jake just laughed at me.

“The shower will help.  See you in a bit.”

So I showered.  I didn’t want to put on my nasty clothes again, so I came out in a towel.  It would serve Jake right to have to see me naked, or nearly so.

“Wow,” he said, seeing me.  is appraisal of my body had goose bumps rising on my flesh.  “As much as I like this view,” Jake laughed at me, “You should put on some of Mick’s sweats.  I am washing your clothes.”

I appreciated Jake’s hospitality, but while Mick wasn’t as skinny as Jake, his clothes were still sort of tight.  Eventually Jake finished the pancakes and my clothes got washed.  I was relieved to once again be in my own sweatshirt and jeans.

When we sat down to eat, Jake asked me about why I had gone to the Hole with the express purpose of drowning my emotions.  He also told me more about himself.  I realized that while I knew him from the Hole, I really didn’t know him well at all.

“Was it your mom?” he asked.  “I heard about her death.  I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“No.  Mom was old.  It was her time.”

“Your uncle?  Chief Harold?  I knew him.  I’m a cop, too, did you know that?”

I hadn’t known that.  I had no idea that Jake was a cop.  I thought he worked with his brother.  So I asked him about it.

“Oh, I work for Mick sometimes.  It’s a part-time thing.  I’m just a rookie, so I don’t make a lot of money.  I bought this house a few years ago and have been fixing it up.  It’s a bit of a money sink.”  Jake looked away, embarrassed.

“Why do you need such a big house?” I asked, grateful to change the subject.

Jake laughed.  “Mick thinks I’m crazy.  He doesn’t understand that I hope to raise a family here someday.”

“Oh, but I thought…” I trailed off.  Had I been mistaken about Jake’s look earlier?  I thought he was gay, too.

“Oh, I know it will be hard, but I’m hoping that I find someone who wants a family, too.”

“So you want to get married?” I asked.

“Sure.  If it was legal here in Twinbrook.  I know they’re talking about making it legal in Sim City.”

I gulped and nearly choked on my pancake.  I guess I had been right about Jake after all.

“Careful GC,” Jake pounded on my back.  “You don’t want to put yourself in the hospital…or do you?  You seemed to want to drink yourself to death last night.

Even though I didn’t want to talk about it, I let him change the subject back to my drunken binge.

“It was Alex,” I finally told him.   I told Jake all about Alex, Becky, Lydia…and Rene.

“You’ve got a pretty messed up life, GC,” Jake said when I finished.  I laughed.  It felt good to laugh about it.

“Alex once told me we were like an episode of Jerry Simmer.”

We both laughed.  I noticed that Jake had a good laugh, an easy laugh.

“Do you want to go get some coffee GC?” he finally asked me.  “My pancakes are great, but my coffee’s shit.”

We went out to the Bistro coffee shop and sat on the patio and continued to talk.  Jake told me about becoming a cop, wanting to have kids and buying his house.  I talked about my family, my vampire relatives, particularly Uncle Julian, and how glad I was that the arsonist was stopped but I wished that Julian hadn’t died.

“We all miss him at the station,” Jake said.  “Chief Harold was one of the best.”

And that was my first date with Jake.  We had coffee at the Diner, talking and laughing until I got a phone call from Becky wondering where the hell I was and why I hadn’t come home or called to let her know I hadn’t died or something.

“I called the hospitals, GC!”

I apologized, explained what had happened and then told her I was coming home.  Jake squeezed my shoulder before I left.  Our first caress.

“No more binges, GC.  ‘Kay?”

“No.  I think I’m done with that.”  I smiled, noticing how his answering smile lit up his face.  I smiled bigger, waving as I left.

“Will you marry me, GC?”

Those were the last words I expected to ever hear from Becky.  When I said I’d do anything to fix what I had done to our friendship, I didn’t know that she would demand so much.

“You want to marry me?  But I don’t love you.  I mean, I do, but like a sister,” I sputtered, incredulously.

“A sister.  You have a really messed up way of showing affection to a ‘sister!”

“You know what I mean,”  I said.  “Why do you want to marry me anyway?  Don’t you hate my guts?  You won’t even accept my apology.”

“Excuse me for feeling less than sisterly toward you,”  Becky sneered at me.  “I don’t really want to marry you anyway, but I thought you might want the option.”

I looked at her like she was crazy.  Then she dropped another bomb on me.  “I’m pregnant, GC.”

My heart stopped.  I sat down heavily in the office chair.

“You’re what?”

“Pregnant.  Knocked up.”  Becky laughed cruelly.  “You’re going to be a fucking father.  You were picturing Alex who wouldn’t have minded if you hadn’t used a condom, but you were with me and you forgot what happens when a man and a woman don’t use protection.”

“But,” I protested, “We used a condom!  I got a whole box of them.”  I distinctly remembered using one.

Again she laughed.  “Great planning, but in the moment you didn’t use one.  You just bent me over and impregnated me!”

She was right, I had.  Dear Lord.  No wonder she was so furious with me.  I had been so caught up in trying to deny myself, that I didn’t think of anything, not even the most basic protection that I should have used.  I rubbed at the back of my neck.

“What do you want me to do?”  I asked Becky.  “Is that why you want to get married?  For the baby?”

“I don’t want to be a single mother.  I’m not ready to be a mother at all!”  Becky threw her hands in the air.  “Look, GC, I understand that you don’t love me.  You never did.  But now we’re going to have a baby together.”

“But Becky, that’s no reason to get married,” I argued.  “I’ll do anything you need.  I’ll take you to the doctor.  I’ll give you money.  I’ll even keep the baby after it’s born if you aren’t ready to be a mom.  But I don’t think we should get married.  It wouldn’t be right.”

“You know, I can just get an abortion,” Becky said, turning away from me.  “That will solve the whole dilemma.”  I gasped in shock.

“You can’t!”

“It’s my decision, GC.”

“But the baby is both of ours.”

Becky didn’t say anything to that, just stared at me.  I knew that if she’d made up her mind to terminate the pregnancy, there wasn’t much I could do to stop her.  Maybe I could get a court order or something, but that would just make all of this even worse.

Needing to do something to stop her, I said, “Ok.  If you want to get married for the baby, I’ll do it.”

Becky just blinked at me.  I could tell that she was wrestling with all kinds of emotions.  In the end, I saw that anger won.

“Fuck you GC.  I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man.”

“But the baby!”

“I’ll deal with it GC.  I’ll let you know what I decide when I’ve decided.”  She turned to go.

“Becky, wait.”

“No.  I can’t talk to you anymore, GC.”

“But…please,” I implored her, “don’t do something you’d regret just because you hate me.  There’s an innocent life involved.  It’s connected to both of us.  Please don’t do it.”

“Good-bye, GC.”

As soon as she left, I called Alex and got his voice mail.  He was working at the Equestrian Center.

“Alex, it’s GC.  Becky just told me she’s pregnant.  You have to convince her to keep the baby.  God, Alex.  Don’t let her do anything foolish.  She’ll listen to you.”

I hung up, and went back out to find TJ.  He was working on the truck.

“What’s up, GC?  You look like someone took a dump in your Corn Flakes.”

“Becky just told me she’s pregnant.”

“Fuck.  No kidding?  And it’s yours?”

“Yeah.  Who else’s would it be?”

“Congratulations, I guess.”

I sighed.  “No. She doesn’t know if she’s keeping it.”

“What?”  TJ looked as flabbergasted by that as I felt.  “What are you going to do?  You can’t let her get an abortion.”

“It’s her decision.”

I could tell that TJ was going to argue, but our discussion was cut short by the alarm.  We dropped everything and headed out.

It was another arson fire.  I swear the arsonist was getting bolder.  This time he or she set fire to the courthouse.  TJ and I arrived on scene to find the lobby engulfed in flames.  People were still in the building, though most had already escaped.  We rushed in, of course, and managed to contain the blaze and get everyone out with only minor injuries and smoke inhalation.  There were times, though, as we were fighting in the heat and flames, that I thought we might not win.

Afterwards, I knew what I had to do.  I went straight over to Becky’s house and pounded on the door.  It was the middle of the night, but I didn’t care.

“What are you doing here GC?” Mr. Fairbanks opened the door for me when he realized who was there.

“I have to talk to Becky.  Sorry to wake you.”

I went past him into the house.  Mrs. Fairbanks was there, looking annoyed that I had come at such an ungodly hour.

“What are you doing here, GC?” she echoed her husband.  “It’s the middle of the night.”

“Sorry.  I came to talk to Becky.  I wanted to ask her to move in with me.”

“Is this because of the baby, GC?”  Mrs. Fairbanks asked.  I told her it was.

“Well, it would be better if you were getting married, but Becky told me why you aren’t doing that.”  I wondered if Becky had told her parents everything about me.  I didn’t know.  I really didn’t care.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Fairbanks, but I do want to be a father to the baby.”

“What are you doing here,” Becky asked from the top of the stairs.  Clearly she had heard me come to her door and talk to her parents.

“Life is short,” I told her, as she came down.  “Too short to be counted anything less than precious.”  I touched Becky’s stomach.  “I want this baby.  I’ll do anything for it.”

“I’m still not going to marry you, GC. It was a foolish thing to suggest,” Becky told me.  “I used to want nothing more than to be your wife, but now I deserve better than you, GC.  I deserve someone who loves me.”

“I know you do, Beks.  I always wanted that for you.”

“So what are we going to do about the baby?” she asked me, wearily.

“I think we should live together,” I suggested.

“And live where?  TJ’s basement?”  Becky looked at me like I was crazy.

“Yes.  No.  I don’t know.  TJ has a spare room upstairs.  We’ll figure things out.”

“It’s a crazy idea, GC.  Does your brother know you’re offering up his rooms to random people?”

“I’ll tell him.  It won’t be forever.  You and I can work something else out later.  After the baby is born.”

So Becky moved into TJ’s house.  Roselyn was gracious enough and supportive enough to welcome her even under such odd circumstances.  Becky, who avoided me most of the time, was a help around the house for Roselyn.  She actually gave Ros a break with Theo, which surprised me.  She also quit her job and started writing, another surprise to me.

“I hated working at the Business Park,” she told me.  “I have all this time on my hands.  I figured I’d see if I could actually write a book.”

I had had no idea that writing had been a dream of Becky’s.  She had also been in the Journalism Club with Barbara.  I knew that, but I didn’t know the extent of her involvement.  I thought Barbara had joined the club first.  In actuality it was Becky.

Slowly, as Becky’s pregnancy progressed, we came to a peace with each other.  Becky started talking to me, and she allowed me to be as involved as I wanted with her pregnancy.  I surprised myself in wanting to be really involved.

It fascinated me, the life she was carrying.  I loved feeling the baby move.  I sometimes talked to it.

“You know the baby doesn’t know it’s you,” Becky scoffed at me when I told the baby how excited I was to meet him or her.  I told it how much I was looking forward to being a Dad.

I gave the baby a little pat, earning a kick that made Becky suck in her breath.  “Damn it GC.  That hurts.”

Thankfully, everything with Becky’s pregnancy was normal, and after nine months, our daughter Lydia was born.  I got the call to meet Becky at the hospital while I was at work.  Luckily, we hadn’t had a major fire or disaster to deal with that day.  I don’t know what I would have done if I’d been responding to an alarm when I got the call from Roselyn.

We brought Lydia back to my apartment where I had set up a small crib next to my gym equipment.  Maybe it wasn’t an ideal situation, but Becky and I still hadn’t resolved how we were going to handle the raising of our child.  Becky lived in TJ’s spare room upstairs.  She was paying her rent by helping babysit for Theo while Roselyn was working.

In all of the time Becky was pregnant and living with me, I did not see Alex.  We both decided it would be too awkward hanging out together while Becky was living with me.  We didn’t want to upset her while she was pregnant.  Our only contact was on the phone or chatting over the computer.

Sometimes all we talked about was our work.  I told Alex about the arson investigation that was still on-going.

“It’s crazy, Alex.  I don’t know why we can’t catch this guy.  Every time Uncle Julian and the police think they have a pattern established, the guy does something that doesn’t fit.  They can’t get clues from the scenes most of the time and the clues they do find, don’t make sense.”

“How do you know that all of the fires are arson?” Alex asked me.  I explained the difference between a natural fire and one set by someone.  “Sorry,” I said when I finished my explanation.  “I know this is boring stuff.  You don’t care about burn patterns and origin points.”

“No, but I care about you.”

I blushed.  Alex was always saying things like that.  I think the absence from each other actually made us become closer.   The more I spoke to Alex, the easier it was to flirt with him.  I suppose talking to him over the phone allowed me to experiment a bit.  Flirting was new for me.

So was cyber dating.  ‘Cybering’.  I had no idea that chatting could get that steamy.  I was sort of glad I didn’t have the ability for Alex to see me on video while we were ‘cybering’.  I felt like an idiot, but damn it was hot.  I was more than ready to actually go out on a real date with Alex.  Now that Lydia was born, I really hoped that we could.

We were going to test things out by having Alex come over to see the baby.  I know that Becky would have no problem with her brother meeting his niece, but I figured it would be a good way to see her reaction to me being in the same vicinity as Alex.  It would also be interesting to see how TJ felt about it.

TJ had never indicated he was uncomfortable with my sexual orientation, but I had never really gone out with a guy, either.  It might be awkward around the firehouse if others found out I was gay and didn’t like it, but I figured I’d have to cross that bridge when it came.

When Alex came over, Becky was downstairs feeding Lydia.  TJ answered the door.  Roselyn was making supper for all of us.

“Hey Alex.”

“Hi TJ.”

I bound up the stairs as soon as I heard the doorbell.  I saw Alex and TJ exchanging a friendly handshake.  It didn’t appear awkward, so I took it as a good sign.

“Hi Alex,” I gave him a hug.  I really couldn’t stop myself and didn’t realize that I had done it until I pulled away and he smiled at me.  I felt my cheeks heat.

“Um,” I cleared my throat.  “Becky will be up in a minute.  She’s feeding Lydia.  Doesn’t like to do it with an audience.”

“Roselyn’s almost got dinner ready.  How ‘bout we sit down,” TJ said.  He took the chair, leaving me and Alex to sit together on the couch.  My brother gave me a knowing smirk when he caught sight of my blush.  I guess TJ was just fine with me and Alex.  He was loving this.

I have no idea what we talked about while we waited for Becky and Roselyn.  Sports?  The arsonist?  School?  No clue.  I sat by Alex and tried hard not to look at him or touch him.

Becky came up when dinner was ready.  She did not bring Lydia, saying that she’d fallen asleep right after Becky had burped her.

“She’s the most easy-going baby,” I said proudly.

“Just wait,” Roselyn and TJ said together and we all laughed.

After dinner, Becky brought Lydia upstairs for Alex to hold.  He was great with her, supporting her head just right.  Cradling her like a pro.  I was shocked.

“She has your eye color,” I blurted, seeing Alex holding my daughter.  Becky gave me a sharp look.

“She has my hair,” Becky said.

“A lot of Fields had red hair,” TJ said to the room at large.

“She looks more like a Fairbanks than a Fields,” I said, noticing that the baby seemed to have Alex’s nose.  She also had the pale skin that both Becky and her brother had.

We all coo’d over the baby until she got fussy, still wanting to sleep.  Becky took her back downstairs.

“Want to go to the Hole,” Alex asked me after she’d left.  “I’ll buy you a beer.  A new dad beer.”

“I don’t know,” I hesitated. “Becky might not want me to go.”

“It’s not like you and Becky are married, GC,” TJ said just as Becky came up the stairs.  I couldn’t have timed his response more perfectly.

“I wouldn’t marry GC even if he wasn’t gay,” Becky glared at me.  While we’d come to a sort of peace, there were times when she remembered to be mad at me.  “What were you talking about that I wouldn’t like if we were married?”

“I was going to go to the Hole with Alex to get a beer,” I said, trying not to sound like I was asking her permission.  Becky didn’t rule me, but Alex had made it clear that if she didn’t want us to go out, we never would.

Becky looked at Alex, then at me.  I could tell that she wanted to say I couldn’t go.  I could also see that she was hurt I wanted to go.  I remembered her once telling me that everyone always liked Alex better than her.  I could see that jealousy in her still.

“Just go,” she finally said.  “Don’t get drunk.  You’ve got the 2am feeding tonight.  I’m getting a full night’s rest.”

So we went to the Hole.  Though it was the same place as always, it felt different this time.  Alex and I were on a date.  A real one.  I wasn’t sure how to act.  What to say.

“GC?” Alex finally noticed my awkwardness.  “What’s wrong with you?  Are you worried about Lydia?”

I hadn’t been until he mentioned something.  I realized it was the first night I’d spent away from her.  I shook my head.  “No.  Becky’s with her and TJ and Roselyn.  I’m sure she’s fine.”

“Then what’s up?  You’re acting funny.  Relax.”

“Sorry.  I guess I’m nervous.”

Alex laughed and I joined him.  I had no reason to be stressed about being with him.  Just then, Jake, the boy who had waited on us before, came up and took our order.

“Hey, GC,” he said.  He nodded at Alex.  “What do you want?”

“Just a beer,” I said.

“Me, too,” Alex ordered.

We talked about Lydia until Jake brought our drinks back to the table.  He also sat down some onion rings.  “These are from Mick.  He says he’s glad to see you back.”

When Jake left, Alex smiled at me.  “I had no idea that you knew the mixologist so well here.”

“I don’t.  He and Jake, that’s the kid, own the place, I think.  I suppose he sort of feels like he knows me because of that time I got so wasted here.  Jake and Mick made sure I got home.  Also Mick knows that I’m a fireman.”

“Must be nice.  No one ever gives me snacks for being a vet.”

“You get all the free dog food you could want, right?”  We both laughed.  Alex had adopted a dog.  I had yet to meet it.

“He’s a Dalmatian.  I called him Spots.”

“Original.”

“I know, but I couldn’t resist.”

“Why did you get a Dalmatian?”

Alex gave me a look that made my toes curl.  “I saw him and thought of this sexy fireman I know.  I thought if I couldn’t be with the fireman, then I could at least get a fire dog.”

Suddenly I remember all of the flirting we’d done and the sexy cyber dates we’d been on.  Now I was sitting across from him in person and I realized that if we wanted, we could do some of the things we had only spoken of doing before.

“Let’s go back to your place,” I said before I could stop myself.

“Are you sure, GC?” Alex asked.  It would be my first time with a guy and Alex knew it.  It was one thing to be intimate over the phone or internet, quite another in person,  but I knew I wanted Alex.  I wanted to touch him and have him touch me.  I wanted to kiss him, feel his tongue in my mouth.

“I’ve never been more sure.”

So we got up to leave.

“I’ll get our tab,” Alex told me.  We’d thought we’d stay awhile, so we’d given Jake Alex’s card.

“I’ll call TJ and let him know that I might not make that 2am feeding.  He’ll take care of it so that Becky doesn’t know,” I said.

Alex chuckled and nodded at me.  He brushed my arm as he went to the bar.  I felt goose bumps raise like a promise of what was to come.

Smiling hugely, I started going out and passed a guy with impossibly dyed yellow hair.  Other than the hair, I probably would have ignored him, but I heard him call out, “Alex!” as I passed him.

I froze.  As soon as he spoke I guessed who he was.  Alex’s name came out “Aleeks” because of the guy’s thick, French accent.

My guess was confirmed when Alex turned from the bar, startled.  “Rene!  What are you doing here?”

That was a damned good question.

I got completely wasted at the Hole after Alex left.  I called the server over to my table and told him to keep the drinks coming.  I gave him my credit card and told him to leave the tab open.  The boy, who looked barely old enough to serve drinks there, took the card and brought the drinks.

At first he was quiet, just setting one in front of me and taking my empty away, but then he started talking at me.

“Are you sure you want another one?  I can bring you a coffee or something.”

“Shjust get an’ther a th’green onesh.”

When he gave me the drink, he said, “Hey, I don’t know why you’re determined to give yourself alcohol poisoning, but maybe you should slow down.”

I pounded the drink, glaring at him as it slid down my throat like fire.  “’Nother.”

“It’s almost closing time,” the boy told me.  He handed me a mug of coffee.  “Mick at the bar says you can’t drive home…which is pretty obvious.  He says I have to take your keys.”

“Mmmm,” I murmured, really unable to formulate a real word.  I fumbled for my keys in my pocket, but couldn’t make my fingers work properly. “Pket.”

“Jeez, you want me to get them out of your pocket?  You really are drunk.”  The boy looked at me nervously.  “Don’t hit me if I accidently touch something that’s not your keys, okay.  I mean, I’m not making a pass.”

“Jshhhhdit,” I tried to tell him to just do it.

The boy sort of inched toward me and slipped an hand into my pocket.  He grabbed the keys and pulled them out.  His hand did brush against my thigh and through my drunkenness, I recognized that I sort of liked his touch.

“Mrllygay,” I mumbled, admitting that I must be gay.

“No need to insult me, buddy,” the server glared at me.  “I might be gay, but I wasn’t trying anything.  Just trying to keep you safe.”  He put my keys in his apron pocket.  “I’ll tell Mick that you’re ready to go.  You can get your keys tomorrow.”

I put my head down on my table.  I could no longer support it.  Later, I felt a hand on my shoulder.  “Time to get up big guy.  Cab’s here.”

The boy managed to lift me out of my  chair.  He was so slight, I didn’t think he’d be able to hold me, but  he was stronger than he looked.  He escorted me out of the Watering Hole and put me in the cab.   He handed the cabby some money to cover my fair.

“We’ll charge it to your card Mr. Fields.  You can settle up tomorrow when you come for your truck.”

The cab dropped me off at my house.  I have no idea how he knew where to go.  It must have been something they figured out from looking up my card information.  I tried to pay the guy, but I couldn’t get my wallet out of my pocket.  The guy reminded me that he’d already been paid.

“Go sleep it off, buddy,” the cab driver said.  I tried to nod that I would, but that sent the world spinning around me.  It was all I could do to keep standing as the cab pulled away.

I have no memory of getting into the house.  I don’t remember falling over the garbage can outside and waking up my brother and his wife.  I don’t remember TJ carrying me to the sofa where he left me to sleep off my drunkenness.

I woke up there feeling like I’d ran over myself with my own truck.  I was still a little out of it because the room sort of spun around me when I tried to sit.  I felt my stomach turn.  I barely made it to the bathroom before I was heaving up whatever alcohol was left in my system.

I hadn’t slept very long.  No one else was up, so after I forced myself to drink some water, I stumbled down to the basement and fell onto my bed.  I didn’t get up again until nearly noon.

“Wild night?” TJ asked when I surfaced.  I went to the fridge for some bread and jam.  I didn’t say anything.  I wasn’t sure if I could.

“Roselyn said you met Alex at the Hole.  Did he get this drunk, too?”

“No.”

“Surprising.  You seem pissed.  What did Alex do?  Did he hit on you?”

I looked up sharply at my brother, who only looked amused.  “How’d you know?”

“That Alex was gay?  Hell, pretty much everyone suspected when we were in school together.  I heard he met some hot French guy but then came home when it didn’t work out.”

“Fuckin’ rumors,” I grumbled as I ate my bread. I hoped that it wouldn’t cause me to make another trip to the toilet.

TJ laughed.  “Seriously, GC.  I am surprised you didn’t know.  But why would finding out that Alex is gay make you get drunker than anyone I’ve ever seen?”

“That wasn’t it,” I said, swallowing another bite.  “I knew about Alex.”

“Oh, then why the angry drinking binge?”  TJ looked genuinely concerned.  What would he say if I told him the truth?  Did I want to find out?

“Teej,” I said, “Alex did make a pass at me, just not last night.  It was a few weeks ago.”  I looked at my brother, trying to see what he thought about that.

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t let that stop you from being friends,” TJ said.  I sighed.

“No.  But….um….last night…” I let my voice trail off.  I couldn’t say it.  How was this sort of thing usually done?  How had Alex told his family?

“What the hell happened last night?” TJ asked, “Should I go find Alex and kick his ass?  Did he take advantage of you getting drunk?”

“No!  No!  Nothing like that.  Shit, Teej.  It wasn’t Alex.  It was me!”

“You?  You what?”

“I made a pass,” I ran a hand through my hair, which hurt with the pounding hangover headache that seemed to be taking over my brain.  “I told Alex I was gay,” I said.

TJ stood up from the table abruptly, pushing his chair out so hard that it nearly fell over.  “You did what?”

“I told Alex that I was gay.”  I couldn’t look into my brother’s eyes.  His reaction seemed to be everything I had ever feared.

“You’re…?”

“Gay.”

TJ pulled his chair back and sat again.  “How do you know?” he finally asked.  “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I said.  Why were people always asking if I was sure?  “Why would I put myself through this shit if I wasn’t sure?”

“But how do you know?  Maybe you’re just confused?”

“Teej.  Fuck.  I know I’m confused, but I also know I’m gay.  Okay?  I look at Alex and I think of him naked.  I want to kiss him, touch him, all that shit!  Believe me, I’d like it not to be true, but it is.”

“But you and Becky…” TJ left the end of that statement hanging out there.

“Yeah.” I acknowledged.

“How could you…with her…if you…?”

“I just could.  I don’t know.”  I shrugged.  “But I’ve totally fucked up.  Alex knows about me and Becky.  And Becky knows about me and Alex.  She hates me and I think he does, too.  I’m such a fucking bastard!”

I stood to put my plate in the sink.  “I’ve screwed things up so bad, Teej.  I don’t know what to do.”

TJ tried to comfort me. “GC, it will be ok.  Becky loves you, so she’ll forgive you.  And if Alex is any sort of friend, he’ll forgive you, too.”

“I don’t think so, Teej.  I called Alex’s name while I was with Becky.  And last night, I told Alex what happened.”

“Oh man.  You’re so fucked.”

Yep.  After TJ and I talked, I took a shower, trying to wash some of the alcohol out of my system.  I came back upstairs to see Roselyn with Theo.

“Where’s TJ?” I asked.  I was hoping my brother could take me to the Hole to get my truck.

“He got called into the station.  Another arson fire, he thinks.”

“Shit!  Why didn’t he get me?”  I started looking around for the phone so I could call a cab to take me to the station.

“GC, wait.  TJ told me to tell you to stay home.  You’re still a mess, he said.”

“I’m fine.  I should be helping.”

“TJ told me what happened, GC,” my sister-in-law said.  I stopped what I was doing, looking at her to see how she took the news.  “I’m sorry that you did what you did.  TJ thinks that Becky will forgive you, but I don’t agree.”

“I know, Ros.  I know.  I was the worst sort of jerk.”

“Yeah.  She loved you.”

“I know.”

“GC, I always wondered about you.  You never seemed to be that into the girls that you went out with.  I could tell that you were just sort of going through the motions.”

“So you suspected?”

“No, but I wondered.  What are you going to do now?  Are you going to tell your folks?  your sisters?”

I sat at the table.  “I just don’t know.”

“Do it.  You know that they’ll feel better if you tell them instead of finding it out later.  TJ isn’t upset about it.  He’s surprised, but he loves you, no matter what.”

“I know.  It’s hard, though.”

“Life is hard GC.  Be a man and admit what you are.  Who you are.  You’ve already admitted to what you did wrong.  If you have any hope of salvaging those friendships, you have to pretty much come clean with everything.”

Roselyn was right.  The best I could do now was live my life honestly.  I doubted that Becky or Alex would forgive me, but I needed to forgive and accept myself.  That made me remember what Alex had said to me in the Hole the first night we went there.  He said that he’d accepted himself but his family hadn’t accepted him.  I thought at the time that he might have been wrong.  Now I knew that he really had accepted himself.  I needed to do the same.

I went to my parents’ house instead of going to the station.  Mom was there alone.  Laura was at the hospital, she said, and Dad had been called in to the scene of the fire.

“Why aren’t you there, GC?” Mom asked me.  “I thought everyone had been called in.”

“I had a bad night last night,” I admitted.  “I wasn’t in any shape to be a help today.”

“Oh,” she looked worried for me.  “Want to talk about it?”

“Yeah.”  So I told her everything.  I admitted to prom night.  I told her about what I’d done to Becky in my apartment.  I left out the details, but I explained what happened.

“GC!  Why would you do that?” Mom asked me.  She seemed as angry as Becky had been and for the same reason.  She didn’t appear upset at all that I liked a guy.

“I was confused Mom,” I said.  “I know that’s a poor excuse, but that’s what happened.  I wasn’t thinking.  I was using Becky to try and hide who I really was because I didn’t want to be that guy.”

“You did a terrible thing to Becky,” Mom said.  “But I want you to know that your dad and I love you and will always love you.  No matter what you do wrong.”

“So you don’t mind that I’m…gay?”

“GC, why would that be something that bothered us?  Why is it bothering you so much?”

“I don’t know.”  I started to cry.  Man, I thought, as my mother gathered me into her arms, I was crying like a girl.  Being gay was making me soft.  And after I had that thought, I gave myself a mental slap.  No, letting myself cry and taking comfort from my mother wasn’t “gay”.  It was just me.  I needed to let these emotions out.  Who better to tell them to than my mother?

When I stopped crying, I continued to let my mom hold me and rub my back.  I hugged her, too.  She was getting more frail, I noticed.  I was glad that she was still with me to help me through this time in my life.  What would I have done if she hadn’t been there?

“Do you mind if I stay here until Dad gets home and Laura so I can tell them?” I asked.  Mom said no, so I waited.  We talked about the fire a bit.  Mom said it was in the stadium.  There’d been a Llama’s game and the arsonist had started the fire in one of the supply closets.

“There were a lot of chemicals,” Mom said.  “That’s why so many people were called in.  So many people and so much potential for harm.  I don’t know when your dad will be back.”

He still hadn’t come home when I got a call from a number I didn’t recognize.  “Hello?” I asked, when I answered.

“Hi.  Is this George Fields?”

“Um, yeah?” I hesitated.  No one calls me George.  “This is GC Fields.”

“Oh, Mr. Fields, this is Jake at the Watering Hole?”  the voice sort of cracked and I vaguely remembered my server from the night before.

“Yes?”

“We were wondering when you were coming by to get your truck and settle your tab,” Jake’s voice took on more of an air of authority as he spoke.

“Um…sorry,” I said.  “I will be there in a little bit.”  I hung up and told my mom what I had done the night before.  I’d left it out of my original confession as unimportant to the central problem of using Becky and saying Alex’s name.  And being gay, of course.

Mom told me to go get my truck.  I could come back and see if Dad was home later.  I gave her a kiss and another hug and headed out to the cab she called for me.

The Hole was not a busy place when I went in.  There was practically no one there.  “Man, it’s dead tonight,” I said to the mixologist as I sat down at the bar.

“Everyone is out gawking at the fire at the stadium.  The idiots think that kind of thing is entertaining,” the man said.

“Aw, fire seems to do that to people.”  I looked around for the boy who had served me the previous night, but he wasn’t there.  “Um…I’m here to get my keys and truck.  Jake called me?”

“Right.  I’m Mick.  Jake’s my brother.  He’s out back putting out the trash.  Got to keep busy even when no one’s drinking.”

“Gotcha.  Do I need to sign something or pay or something?”

Mick walked to the end of the bar and opened a locked drawer.  “Here we go.”  He pulled out my keys and my card.  “You just need to sign here,” he handed me a tab.  I looked at the total and gulped.  Shit.  I’d really had a lot to drink.

“Shit!” I said aloud.  “I’m so sorry.”  I apologized again and signed the bill.

“You were pretty wasted,” Mick said conversationally.  “Drowning your sorrows?”

“Something like that.”  I turned to leave.  “Thanks for not letting me drive home,” I said.

“Hey wait!”  This time it wasn’t Mick speaking to me, but the kid, Jake.  I turned back.

“Yeah?”

“Uh, I’m sorry I let your tab get so high,” he gulped.  I watched his Adam’s apple bob.  “I hope it wasn’t too much.”

“No problem.  It was my fault.  I should have stopped.”

“Are you ok today?  I mean, you were pretty messed up.”

“I feel like the ass end of a horse,” I said, grinning sheepishly, “but I managed to eat something and right now the headache is like a small hammer instead of a jackhammer.”

“Oh, good.  Good.  And what about your friend?”  The boy looked uncomfortable.  “You know, the one who left you there to get drunk like that?”

“I don’t know.  He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Ah.  Well, be safe, ok.  Don’t drink like that again.”

I laughed.  “Don’t worry.  I won’t.”

“See you around,” Jake said.  I nodded, but I knew that it would be awhile before I came into the Hole again.  No more drinking for me.

Drinking was the last thing on my mind, really.  I went back to mom’s to wait on Dad.  I was there when Mom got a call from Laura.

“What’s wrong?  Who is it?” I asked when I heard my mom break down sobbing.  “Mom!”  She dropped the phone and I picked it up.

“This is GC.  Who is this?”

“GC!” I recognized Laura’s voice.  “GC.  I’m so glad you’re there.  Get mom to the hospital.  Now.”

“What?  Shit, what’s up Laura?”

“It’s Dad.  GC, he went into the stadium after the firemen put out the blaze and a burned beam fell on him.”

“Oh god!  Is he ok?”

“Yeah, but get Mom here.  Hurry, GC.”

Dad was in critical condition at the hospital.  The beam knocked him to the ground, pinning him.  The other cops got it off of him right away, but it had broken his ribs and punctured a lung.  Because of his age, they weren’t sure Dad would make it.

“I told him he needed to retire!” Mom alternately screamed in frustrated anger and grief, saying, “He better not die, or I will kill him!”

“He’ll be fine,” I said, but I didn’t believe it.  Dad had already suffered this sort of thing once.  It was luck he’d survived then.  Somehow, I knew that Dad wouldn’t make it this time.  Once again, I felt like this was all my fault.  If I had been at the stadium, maybe Dad wouldn’t have gone in when it was still unsafe.

Of course, TJ blamed himself.  “I didn’t know that they were going to start investigating right then.  I told the Chief it wasn’t safe.”

“You did all you could,” Laura comforted him.

Really, the accident could have happened to anyone else and not been lethal. As I suspected, Dad didn’t make it through the night. The best I could say was that he woke a little and saw Mom and us in his room—Barbara showed up soon after Mom and me. He smiled and said he was too tough to die. He was wrong.

Dad’s funeral was the second worst experience of my life.  Mom tried to make it a celebration, but the fact that he died so tragically cast a pall on everything.  Everyone gave her comfort as much as we could, especially my uncles, Malcolm and Julian.  Afterwards, she declared she couldn’t live in her house anymore.  Since Laura was living there with Trevor, who was now her fiancé, Mom gave her the deed and moved in with Barbara.

“I’ll be there for the baby,” Mom told Barbara, who was now visibly pregnant.  “It will give me something to live for now that your dad is…” she couldn’t finish.

“Mom,” I tried to console her, “you have a lot to live for.  There’s Theo and the new baby and Laura’s wedding.”

“I know GC.  I know.  But it’s hard being a widow.”  I wished that I could have sad something that would make her feel better, but Mom knew what it was like to live without a husband.  She was a widow for the second time.

I felt helpless in all of this, but at least dealing with Dad’s death made me forget my own problems.  I still hadn’t seen Becky or Alex since the day I’d gotten drunk at the Watering Hole.  I thought they might come to the funeral, but neither had.  Mom had really only invited family.

After the funeral, I tried to get back to my normal life.  TJ and I went to work.  We fought fires and averted disasters around town…none of them on the scale of the Stadium Disaster.  The arsonist seemed to be quiet.

“I don’t think it’s over,” TJ said and I agreed.  “I talked to  Uncle Julian the other day.”  Julian was still chief of police.

“What does he think?”

“He agrees.  He says they have leads now, though, that they didn’t have before.”

“Do they still think it’s a woman?”

“They don’t know.  The Stadium fire started in a supply closet.”

“Julian wonders if there’s something he’s missing…a connection between these larger fires and some of the smaller ones.”

“Well, they think the arsonist started at the school, right.  After that, it was just community buildings…nothing too serious….like practice.”  TJ nodded, so I went on.  “The theatre was the first big fire and then the stadium.”

“Where’s the connection?”

“Fuck if I know.  What do the school, the theatre and the stadium have in common?”

“Nothing except being buildings here in Twinbrook.”

“There has to be something!”  Of course there did, but I didn’t know what anymore than TJ did.

“Julian will figure this out, Geese.  I guess that’s why we’re not cops.”

TJ changed the subject.  “So, it’s been a few weeks.  Have you spoken to  Alex or Becky yet?”  I shook my head no.  “Well, you should call them.  Either of them.  Apologize to Becky and get Alex to work out with you or something so you can be friends.”

“I don’t think it will happen,” I said.  “Becky hates me with good reason and Alex told me he doesn’t want to see me.”

“Just try it GC! I’m sick of seeing you moping around here.”

But I didn’t call either of them.  Instead I ran into Alex at the gym.  I was on the treadmill and he got on the machine next to me.  Unlike when I confronted him, he didn’t say anything to me.  Just ignored me.

We ran for several miles like that.  Finally, I had enough.  I slowed my pace to a walk.  “I wanted to call you,” I said.

“You didn’t, though.”

“I was afraid to.  You asked me for some distance.”

“I heard about your dad.”  Alex stopped his machine.  “I thought you’d call me after…that you might want to talk about it.”

I stopped my machine.  “I wanted to, but TJ and the girls and my mom were with me.  We got through it together.”

“I’m really sorry, GC.”

“Thanks.”  I didn’t know what else to say, so I grabbed my towel and headed to the locker rooms to shower up.

“Hey, GC?  Want to go get a beer?”  I turned to Alex, who was standing expectantly by his treadmill.  He looked hopeful, but unsure of my answer.

“Sure,” I said.

And so I found myself once again sitting across from Alex at the Hole.  I ordered one drink.  When Jake handed it to me, I smiled and said, “This is it for me.  No matter what I say.”  He smiled back, gave Alex his drink and then served his next table.

“You know that kid?”

“Yeah, he poured me into my cab the night you left me here.  I decided I’d drown myself in alcohol for being such a fuck up idiot.”

“You were an idiot,” Alex agreed.  He still seemed a bit bitter about it.  We drank in silence for awhile.  I didn’t know how to bring back our easy camaraderie.

“Want to play shuffleboard?” I finally broke the silence.  Something had to give.

“Still think you can win if I’m not drunk?” Alex asked.  I scoffed at him.  “Of course.  I rock this game.”

But I didn’t.   Alex wiped the table with me.  I knew he would.  I hadn’t practiced at all since our last game.  Playing the game, though, brought us back to the way we had been before I confessed what I had done to Becky and the feelings I had for Alex.  This time, as we played, I noticed that a lot of Alex’s teasing had a sexual undertone to it.  I didn’t know if his flirting was just the way he was or if he was trying to send me some sort of signal that he accepted and welcomed my attentions.  Regardless, I found myself flirting back.

When the game was over and I lost, Alex said, “I win!  Haha!  Now pay up!”

“What was the bet again?  I didn’t know we’d bet anything,” I laughed.

“We didn’t, but a loss such as that demands some sort of payment.  A tribute.  You should bow down and kiss my feet, thanking me for teaching you how the game is really played!”  Alex pointed at his shoes.

“What if I don’t want to kiss your nasty toes?  Would some other sort of payment do?”  I thought of all of the other ways I could kiss Alex.  I licked my lips, hoping he’d catch on to my invitation and pick one of them.

He did, but instead of continuing his flirtatious banter, Alex stepped back, shocked.  “GC.”

Crap.  I’d misread his intentions.  He’d been messing with me. “Sorry. Alex.  Too much, right?”  I looked away, embarrassed.

“No,” Alex put his hand on my shoulder.  “I just didn’t think you still…I mean, I thought maybe you would have realized that what you were feeling before wasn’t…” he trailed off.

“Wasn’t real?”  I shook my head.  “No.  I told you that I wasn’t confused about my feelings.  I am attracted to you.”

“Still?”

“Yeah.  I’d kiss you now, if you’d let me.”

“Because I won?”

I shook my head again.  “Because I want to.”

“Oh,” Alex turned away from me.  He wasn’t going to let me kiss him, but when he dropped his hand from my shoulder, he let it run down my arm.  I took that as a good sign.

We left the Hole and got into my truck.  I was going to drive Alex back to his car at the gym.  I kept stealing glances at Alex, who’d been pretty quiet ever since I admitted that I still liked him.

“Are you still mad at me?” I finally asked.

“Sometimes.  Mostly I just want to…”

“What?”

“Let you kiss me.”

I wanted to lean over and kiss him right then.  I didn’t care if it would cause a car accident, but I knew there was more, so I said, “But?”

“But then I remember Becky.”  Alex looked over at me, his expression was serious and concerned.  “She’s acting strange.  At first she cried a lot.  We were both angry with you.  Now she hardly ever talks.  Something’s wrong.”

“Should I talk to her?” I asked, but I didn’t know what I’d say to her.  I was pretty sure that no matter what I said, it wouldn’t be the right thing.  I couldn’t love her, and that’s what she wanted to hear.

“No, GC.  I don’t think she’d talk to you.  I’ll keep trying.  But I don’t think I can be with you until Becky accepts it.”

“That might never happen!”

“I know.”  Alex’s answer was resigned.  I knew he meant it.

I didn’t hear from Alex again for several days.   And at work, we went about the daily routines of firemen in a medium sized city, but we were all just waiting for the arsonist to strike again. It felt a little like my life was in a holding pattern. Something had to give.

When it did, it wasn’t what I expected. I was at the station when someone walked in. I was working on the engine again when I heard TJ shout, “GC! Visitor.”

I nearly dropped my wrench when I saw Becky. “Can we talk privately?” she asked, looking around. She’d never been in the station before.

I led her to the office. “I didn’t think you’d speak to me again,” I said, not really knowing what else to say. “I figured you’d hate me forever.”

“I did. I do,” Becky said. “If I didn’t have to talk to you, I certainly wouldn’t.” She paced the office. I could see that she was angry.

“Go ahead and yell at me, Becky. I deserve it.”

“Oh, that’d make you feel better, wouldn’t it?” Becky glared at me. “If I yell at you, then you get what you deserve. Well, I’m not going to do that. I think you deserve a lot more than me yelling at you.”

“Well, if you won’t yell at me, then at least let me explain and apologize.  I feel awful about what I did.  I know you hate me right now and I wish I could take it all back.  I should have just told you what was going on with me…I was in denial.  I was really messed up.”

Becky glared at me.“I don’t accept your apology, GC, and I don’t want to hear you explain. I get it. You’re gay. Alex explained how confusing that can be.”

“But I shouldn’t have hurt you like I did. I really am sorry about it, Beks. I’d do anything to make it up to you.”

Becky looked at me assessing if my words were sincere. They were. I didn’t know how to make her believe them. “Anything?” she asked.

“Whatever it takes. You are my best friend.”

“Would you marry me, GC?”

Becky came up swinging.  I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised.  I let her wail on me for a few minutes until she got a lucky clip to my eye and then I forced her to stop.

“You bastard, GC!  Bastard!” she screamed over and over.  I subdued her, but she kept thrashing and kicking.  I had to turn a bit to avoid severe damage to my equipment.

“Fuck, Becky, you almost kicked me in the balls! Stop this.”

“I want to kick you there, you jerk.  Put that dick of yours out of commission, damn it!”  She lashed out again, but I was easily able to block her.

“Becky, calm down.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean it.” I said, though I had meant it.  I was sorry, but not because I’d said Alex’s name.  I was sorry that I’d given in to Becky even though I told myself I wouldn’t.  I was also sorry that I’d hurt her.  She didn’t deserve this.  I really was a bastard, just like she said.

Eventually the fight went out of her and she started to cry.  I hated seeing her like that, especially since it was my fault.  I still held her, rocking her and rubbing her back in what I hoped was a comforting way.

“I’m sorry,” I said over and over.

When she cried herself out, I offered to let Becky sleep in my bed while I slept out on the couch.  I didn’t think she was in any shape to go home, and I knew that I didn’t want to take her there in the off chance that I’d run into Alex.  My feelings about him were too raw, too new.  I didn’t want him to see me with Becky.  I really didn’t want to explain to him what I had done to her.

I guess Becky didn’t want to go home either because she agreed to my suggestion when I thought she’d insist on getting out of my apartment.  Instead she just gave in and let me tuck her into my bed.

As I left the room, I heard her tell me that she hated me.  I knew she meant it just as much as she’d meant it when she told me she loved me just a few hours earlier.

“I’m sorry.”  It was a pitiful set of words, but the only ones I could really say to her.  I was so sorry.  For everything.

Taking Becky home the next day was harder than I expected it to be.  She got up, dressed, and was waiting in the chair next to me when I finally woke.

“Let’s go,” she demanded.  Her eyes were red, like she’d been crying, but her expression was hard and her voice was angry.

“Lemme get dressed,” I said blearily.

We drove out to the Fairbanks’ in strained silence.  I didn’t know how to make this right between us.  I pretty much figured our friendship was over.  Once again I regretted that long ago night after prom.  If only I hadn’t let her come to my room…

Before we got to her driveway, I tried one more time to apologize.  “It’s my fault, Beks.  I should have known.  I mean, I did sort of know, but I was in denial,” I said earning me another glare.

“Shut up, GC.  I don’t want to hear this now.”

“But I have to explain…”

“No.”

With a sigh, I pulled up to her house and she got out of the truck.  She practically ran to her front door before I could get out.  When she went inside and shut the door afterwards, I knew I couldn’t follow her.

“Shit.”

I didn’t drive home right away.  Instead I headed over to the station.  I didn’t want to see anyone right then.  I figured I could work out in the station’s gym or grab a hammer to upgrade the alarm or fix the truck.  No one bothered me when they saw me.  Some of what I was feeling must have shown.

When the alarm went off, I suited up alongside everyone else.  It was my day off still, but I had to go.  Maybe I wouldn’t feel like such an asshole jerk who destroyed the feelings of people I felt were friends if I managed to do some good today, save someone.  Lord knows I couldn’t seem to save myself.

The fire was at the theatre.  The arsonist had struck again.  And this time a lot of people were in danger.  There was an Adam Blake concert that afternoon.  Hundreds of people were there.

Luckily, we were able to respond before things really got out of hand.  The concert was evacuated, the theatre staff and the band’s roadies got the people out in a somewhat orderly fashion.  We went in and found where the arsonist had gone into a restroom to start the blaze.

“Seems like he’s getting bolder,” TJ said to me afterwards.

“Maybe we’ll catch him this time,” I said.  I really hoped so.  The way the arson investigators explained it, the arsonist’s first fires, the smaller ones, were just practice.  They figured he was working up to bigger things.  They even suspected that there’d been earlier incidents, like the ones at my school, which they thought might be attributed to the same person.

“Do you think the arsonist was someone in our class?” I asked dad when I found this out.

“Could be, or it could be someone associated with the school.”

“But you said there hadn’t been any more incidents there since we graduated,” Laura said.  She’d been really concerned when she found out that the fires at the school might have been the arsonist’s early work.

“No.  Which is why we think maybe he was a student at the school back then.  We have a few leads.”  Dad looked grave when he said that.

“What aren’t you telling me, dad?” I asked, concerned.

“Let it go, GC,” Laura warned me.  “It’s nothing, right dad?  We already ruled it out.”

“Ruled what out and why are you involved in this, Laura?”

“GC has a right to know this,” Dad said to my sister.  “Who was the one pulling all of those pranks at school, GC?  Do you remember?”

I thought back on it.  Barbara and Becky had done quite a few, most notably the frog incident.  But when Barbara started dating Eddie, they’d set those stink bombs.  Surely dad couldn’t suspect…

“It’s not Barbara,” Laura assured me when I looked up at her, concerned.  “I know it’s not.  When the fire happened at prom, she was with me and Becky in the bathroom.”

“You don’t think it’s Eddie?” I asked Dad.  I knew that Eddie had been a rebel back in school, but he’d grown out of it in adulthood, I thought.  He and Barbara were married now and he was in the military.

“We’re not sure,” Dad said.  “We’re still investigating.  But he’s one of the people we’re looking into.  He was at prom and he was also in the school building during that fire before your graduation.  He could have been behind these other incidents as well.”

We all looked at each other, concern for Barbara in our minds.  If Eddie was the arsonist, was she in danger?

“I’m going to talk to Barbara,” Laura told me.  “You can come, too, if you want.”

I agreed.  Barbara hadn’t been around a lot lately.  She was working I had thought, but maybe it was more than that.  Maybe Eddie was keeping her from her family.  I’d heard that some abusers were like that.  If Eddie had threatened my sister in any way, I was going to kick his ass.

“Let’s go see her now,” I said, but Dad and Laura shook their heads.

“The police will be questioning Eddie tomorrow.  We’ll go then.”

Barbara was royally pissed when she saw us.  The cops had come to take Eddie down to the station for questioning.  When she saw us, she knew we were involved.

“What the fuck is going on?” She demanded.   “Why were the cops here and why did they take Eddie downtown?”

“Barbara, maybe we should go sit down,” Laura tried to reason with her.

“No.  I want to know what you two know right now.  I’m not going anywhere.”

“You know about the arson fires around town?” I asked, opting to go with the direct approach.  That had always been best when dealing with Barbara.

“Yeah, so?”

“Well, the cops think it might have been Eddie.”

Barbara looked incredulous.  She started to laugh, like I’d made a joke.  “You can’t be serious.”

“Yeah.  He fits the profile.  He was a student when the fires happened at school.  He’s an inventor, so he knows how to make things like incendiary devices—and as a military guy, he knows how to set them.  He’s a loner, and has always been a bit hot-headed.”  I shrugged.

“That’s all circumstantial,” Barbara said.  “I can assure you that Eddie didn’t do anything.”

“How do you know for sure?” Laura asked Barbara.

“I know because I was the one who set the school fires.  The first one was an accident.  It was just supposed to be another stink bomb, but it went wrong and the lab caught fire.  The second one was on purpose.  I thought it would get us out of the last month of school.”

“Barbara!  I can’t believe you’d do that!” Laura was so shocked.  I was too, but privately I had wondered about Barbara.  What I don’t think anyone knew about the last arson fire was that it had started in a lady’s room.

“I think you better come to the station and tell Dad what you did,” I said.  I shook my head.  “I can’t believe you’d start all those fires, Barbara.  After what happened to us when we were little?  I would never have thought you’d do it.”

“Wait a minute!” Barbara turned to me, shock and panic in her eyes.  “You don’t think I set all of those other fires, do you?”

“Did you?” I asked.

“Oh Barbara,” Laura was crying.

“No!  I didn’t do it.  I may have pranked the school, but I’m an adult now.  I don’t have any reason to do something like that.  I swear.”  She looked at me imploringly.  “GC, honestly.  I wouldn’t start fires like that.  The two that I started didn’t affect anyone.  They were nothing.”

“I really want to believe you,” I said, “but I think you better go to the station and confess to the school fires anyway.  Maybe that means they’ll stop thinking Eddie did it, or maybe they’ll suspect him even more.  I don’t know.”

Now Barbara was crying, too.  “Neither one of us would do it,” she insisted.  “Eddie spends all his time working and I’m…well…I’m pregnant.  Why would I do something like this?  Why?”

In the end, both Eddie and Barbara were cleared of suspicion.  Eddie was cleared because of Barbara’s confession and because the investigators were starting to suspect that the arsonist was a woman, not a man.  Barbara, they thought might have done it, but it turned out that she had an alibi for the fire at the theatre.  She’d been at the hospital for a pre-natal appointment.

“I’m not ready to believe that this was the work of a woman,” Dad told me later, “but that’s what they now suspect.  The fact is that most arsonists are male.”

“Women can do some terrible things,” Mom reminded him.  She and I exchanged a look, remembering her mother, Candice the Vampire.  I shuddered.  I hadn’t thought about her in a long time.

“Woman or man,” I said, “We have to figure this thing out.  Arsonists always escalate their damage.  Next time people will get hurt.  We can’t let that happen.”

The arson fire and investigation took my mind off my personal problems, at least for awhile.  I hadn’t expected to see Becky, but I knew that I couldn’t avoid Alex.  If nothing else, he’d probably want to know what I’d done to Becky if she didn’t tell him the whole sorry story.

But I’d been spending a lot of time at the station and not very much at home or anywhere else.  I’d called Alex and left messages on his voice mail canceling out on our regular workouts.

It didn’t surprise me then, when I checked my own voice messages, that I had one from Alex.  A little tremor of excitement filled me when I saw his number.  Did he know?  Did he want to see me?  I hit the button on my phone to listen to the message:

“Jesus, GC.  What the hell have you done? Stop avoiding me and meet me at the Watering Hole tonight.  We’re going to talk.  You better have a good explanation or I might have to kick that fine ass of yours.”

Shit.  She hadn’t told him.   I listened to the message again.  He sounded mad, and sort of exasperated.  She hadn’t told him.  Of course she hadn’t.  Why would she?  She hated it that I was interested in Alex.  She’d been jealous of his interest in me before she knew that maybe I reciprocated it.

Fuck.  I had to meet him at the Hole.  He’d come over and demand to talk to me at my apartment if I didn’t.  I wasn’t sure I wanted him in my house yet.  Not after what had happened there with his sister.  Would he hate me, too, when he found out?  Would he be surprised?  Happy?

I couldn’t stand this.  I felt like I was going on a date…a blind date.  I didn’t know if it would go well or if it would be a miserable failure.  And what was I supposed to wear?  Alex had never seemed to care when I dressed in a ratty t-shirt or sweatshirt, but maybe he’d respond better if I looked my best.

I opened one of my drawers and peered in at the array of t-shirts and sweatshirts folded there.  “Fuck!  Don’t I even own one nice shirt?”  I slammed the drawer shut.

I ran upstairs to barrow something from TJ.  He was usually a better dresser than myself.  I settled on a T-shirt and one of TJ’s vests, but opted for the more casual look of jeans.  I didn’t want it to look like I’d gone out of my way to dress up.  Then I brushed my teeth, made sure my hair didn’t look stupid…Alex had said I had good hair, right?…and I headed out the door.

“Where are you going, GC?” my sister-in-law’s voice sounded, just as I came down the stairs.

“Watering Hole,” I said.

“Got a date?”

“No.  Just meeting a friend there.”

Roselyn smiled.  “You and Becky have a good time,” she said.  I groaned.

“I’m actually meeting Alex,” I told her.

“Oh.  Well tell Alex I said ‘hi’.”  Roselyn quickly dismissed me, turning back to little Theo who had started fussing again.

“Sure.  See you later!”  I called.  I was so thankful that it hadn’t been TJ who caught me.  I wondered if he’d be able to tell how nervous and excited I was.  Would he suspect that I felt more for Alex than friendship?  What would he think of me going out to meet a dude?

I stressed about the meeting with Alex the whole time I was driving.  Alternatingly, I worried that Alex might not really like me like I liked him, or I worried that he did like me but he’d hate be because of how I’d treated his sister.  Maybe he wouldn’t want to go out with me because I had dated her, slept with her.

“What the fuck am I doing?” I cursed at myself.  In addition to being worried about Alex, I worried how my family would react if I started dating a man.  Alex’s parents had been shocked at first.  They were disappointed.  I’d always believed that my folks would support me, but what if they wouldn’t?

“I should turn around.”  I signaled left to make a u-turn.  Maybe Alex would accept that I had to work or something.  It might work.  “No.  I need to face him.  Tell him the truth,” I said out loud.  I knew that I had to do better in my relationship with Alex than I had in my relationship with Becky.  If he even wanted a relationship with me, that is.

I didn’t make the turn.  I kept going until I pulled into the parking lot at the Hole.  Alex was already there.  He was waiting for me. just inside the bar.

“Took you long enough,” he said.

“What?  It’s 7.  You left that message at 5.  How was I supposed to get here quicker?”

He shrugged  “I actually thought you wouldn’t come.  I’ve been here just waiting to get a phone call telling me you had to work or something.”

“No.  I worked over-time the other day.  They wanted me to go home.”

“Ah.”

We went to the bar and ordered some drinks.  I figured I needed the fortification if I really meant to tell Alex what had happened with Becky.  I planned to, but I didn’t want to start the conversation.  I waited for him to ask.

“Becky’s pissed at you,” he said.  “She’s been crying a lot, too.  Did you guys have a fight?  Break up?  I thought you weren’t dating.”

“We weren’t,” I said.  Alex raised an eyebrow.  “Not officially, but we did sort of go out sometimes.”

“And?”  He gave me a hard stare.  I knew he knew there was more to it.

“And we were together the other night.  I took her to a show, dinner, the whole works.  I felt bad that I’d been neglecting her, you know?”

He nodded and waited for me to continue.  I took a drink and looked away.

“I didn’t mean it to happen,” I said finally.

“What happened?”

“We had sex,” I admitted, looking down so that I could avoid seeing how he reacted to that news.  I didn’t want to know if it would hurt him.

“Well I figured that out, GC,” Alex’s exasperated tone brought my face up and I looked at him.  He looked annoyed.  He waved his hand, “What else happened?  Just having sex wouldn’t make someone cry like she’s been doing.”

“God, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“You hurt her?!” Alex set his drink down and looked like he was about to kick my ass.

“No, no!  Not like that.  I mean, I sort of hurt her feelings.  Ok, not sort of.  I really hurt her feelings.  I let her know that I didn’t love her.”

“Oh,” Alex’s look stayed dark, but he didn’t seem like he was about to take a swing at me anymore.  “Well, you shouldn’t have slept with her if you didn’t love her.”

“I know,” I looked ashamed.  I was ashamed.  “But that’s not all I did.  I sort of told her that there was someone else.”

“You what?  There is?  Why did you sleep with her if you liked someone else?”

“I was in denial,” I tried to explain.  “I didn’t want to like this other person.  I was trying not to.  I knew that Becky loved me, and that I should love her back, but I just couldn’t.”

“That’s bullshit, GC.  You either love someone or you don’t.  If you didn’t, you should have left her alone.  No wonder she’s such a mess.  You slept with her and then told her you were in love with someone else.”  Alex shook his head at me, disappointed.  Unfortunately, he didn’t even know the worst of what I had done.

I motioned Alex to sit down.  Then, I drained my drink and ordered another.  “There’s more,” I said, when my second drink arrived.

“Becky called me a bastard, and she was right about it.  I am.  You see, I…I mean, we were…you know… and I sort of…um…I…” I took another swallow.  I didn’t want to tell him the next part.  This wasn’t how I wanted him to find out how I felt about him.

“Oh God, Alex.  This is so hard!”

“Jesus, GC, what more could you have done?  You didn’t shout the other girl’s name did you?”

I shook my head yes, and then no, because he’d gotten it only partially right.  I downed the rest of my second drink.

“You didn’t?” he asked, incredulous.  “Man, that’s low.”

“I know.  But there’s more.”

“How can there be more than that?”

“Well…” I gulped in a huge breath and then forced it out.  “I didn’t call out a girl’s name….I called out yours.”

Alex spit his drink across the table.  “You what?!”

“I called out your name,” I whispered miserably.  I refused to meet his eyes.  I felt horrible.  This was worse than I had expected.  When he said nothing, just sat there, I knew there was no way to salvage this.  I just knew it.

“Fuck,” Alex finally managed.  He wiped at the spilled drink on the table.  I nodded, but I didn’t know if he saw it.  I couldn’t bring myself to look up.

“What a mess,” Alex said once he finished cleaning up.  He tossed his sodden napkins next to the wall.  I didn’t think he’d been talking about the spilled drink, though.  I knew he meant me and this situation between us and with Becky.

“Look at me GC,” he finally said.  His voice was quieter and held a note of concern.  I looked up into his violet eyes.  “Do you really like me?” he asked.  He seemed hesitant, like he wasn’t sure what I’d say.

“Yeah.”

“You’re sure your not just confused?  You’re sure you aren’t just panicking because of Becky saying she loves you?”

“I’m sure.”  Alex sounded like his dad, psychoanalyzing me.  I smiled faintly.

“How do you know?” Alex demanded.  “You had sex with her.  A woman.  How do you know that you really wanted to be with me, a man?”

“I don’t know,” I said.  “I was never really that into sex.”  I tried to make him understand.  “She was the one who wanted to do it.  Each time.”

“But you did it. You had sex with her.  And you said that she made you come, too.”

I shrugged, looking down again.  “It was just physical.”

“But what makes you sure that you like me?  Do you want to have sex with me?”

“I don’t know.  Yeah, I think so.”

Alex actually looked more pissed off at me than he had when he knew I had hurt his sister.  He looked like I had hit him in the gut.  “You ‘think so’?” he snarled, reminding me of Becky when she was mad.

“I think so,” I repeated.  I didn’t know what else to say.  When I looked at Alex, I wanted him.  It made me uncomfortable.  I’d never wanted Becky.  Not really.  But I wanted Alex.  But I wasn’t sure about the sex.  “I’ve never thought of having sex with a man,” I finally said, trying to get him to understand.

“But you want to try it out with me, is that it?”

“No!  Not like you’re making it sound.  Shit,” I swore.  “I can’t explain this very well Alex.  I like you.  I think about you.  Hell, I even dream about you!”  I ran a hand through my hair, frustrated.

“You have sex dreams about me?”

I nodded.  I looked back at Alex because his voice held a hint of amusement instead of anger.  This was another way he was like his sister.  She could change emotions just as quickly.

“Were they hot?”

“We were in the shower,” I murmured.

“Hmmmmm,” Alex looked thoughtful, as if he was picturing how we’d be together in the shower.  But then he seemed to snap out of it, and he looked at me again, more fiercely, some of that anger back.

“But dreaming about me and wanting to go through with it are two different things.  Shit GC.  This is like some bad episode of Jerry Simmer.  You slept with my sister.  I don’t care if you’ve discovered you’re now into guys.  There will be no shower scene for us!”

“God, I’m sorry,” I apologized.  I knew he was right.  We couldn’t be together like that.  It would be too weird.

“Me, too,” Alex said.

“Can we at least be friends, still?” I asked.  I’d hate it if I lost both of my friends because of my mixed up feelings.  I held my breath hoping Alex would agree.

“We’ll try,” he said.  “But I don’t think I can see you for a few days.  This is too much, too soon.  Let Becky get over it.  You get over it, too.  Hell, I’m going to have to get over this.”

Alex got up and paid for our drinks.  I just sat there, miserable, knowing that he was right.

“Don’t go home right away,” Alex told me.  “You’ve had too much to drink.”

I nodded as he turned to leave.  I raised my hand and ordered another.  I wouldn’t go home right away, but I hadn’t had enough to drink either.  I’d have the mixologist call me a cab or I’d call TJ to pick me up, but first I was going to get shit-faced drunk.

Although he didn’t want to go, I took Alex back to his parents’ house in the morning.  He didn’t protest too much, which I admired.  I knew, even though he expected the worse, that he needed to confront his family. 

“GC,” Dr. Fairbanks looked at me questioningly, when he opened the door.  “It’s pretty early to be picking Becky up for a date, don’t you think?”

“Oh, um…I’m not here to meet Becky.  I…ah…I actually brought Alex home,” I turned a little to motion Alex forward.  He’d hung back by my truck, just seeing if his dad would be upset or happy to see him.

Mostly Dr. Fairbanks was confused.  “Alex?”

“Yeah Dad.”

“What are you doing here?  Did you get a holiday or something?”  Dr. Fairbanks looked happy to see his son, despite the confusion.  I knew Alex hadn’t told him about being expelled, though.

“Ah, Dr. Fairbanks, can we come in?”

“Oh, GC, sure.  Of course!”  Dr. Fairbanks opened the door to let us in.  “Alex, your mother is going to be overjoyed to see you.  She loves surprises.  I suppose that’s why you didn’t call or let any of us know.”  He laughed.  “And you, GC!  You must have been in on it.  Did Becky know?”

I was getting uncomfortable.  “No sir.  Becky didn’t know.  I didn’t know either, until I saw Alex yesterday at the gym.”

“The gym?”  Dr. Fairbanks looked at Alex, who kept his eyes downcast.  Alex was fidgeting with his sweater, but he didn’t say anything.

“Um…” I tried to think of something to say, but I couldn’t.  Alex needed to tell his parents what was going on with him.  I wanted to be anywhere but there.

Just as the silence got to the point of awkwardness, I heard someone coming down the stairs.  Becky.

“Who was at the door Dad?”

“It was GC,” Dr. Fairbanks said, “and Alex.”

“GC?  Alex?”  Becky flew down the remainder of the stairs and wrapped her brother up in a huge hug.

“Alex!  You didn’t say you were coming home.  Did you and GC plan this?  This is the best surprise!”  Becky let go of her brother and came to hug me.

“Actually, I didn’t know he was coming home either,” I said, but I was ignored.

“Alex, the flight must have been horrible.  You look like death warmed over,” Becky said.

Dr. Fairbanks, who’d started picking up on the awkwardness before Becky came down, just looked at his son.  His face registered concern, not anger, though.  I figured I was probably right about the Fairbankses being a close family.  Alex was worrying about his parents’ reaction to him being gay for no reason.

“Alex, are you sick?  Is there something you need to tell us?” Dr. Fairbanks asked.

“No dad.  I’m not sick.”

“But something is wrong, son.”

“We sort of went out for a couple of drinks last night,” I said, coming to Alex’s rescue, or so I thought.

“You went out drinking instead of coming home?” Becky asked.  “And you didn’t even call me up?”  She glared at me.  Shit.

“Um, well, I saw Alex and he looked upset, like he needed someone to talk to, so I took him to the Watering Hole.  We were playing shuffleboard and maybe we had to much to drink,” I tried to explain, but Becky just looked even angrier.

“Maybe we should sit down,” Dr. Fairbanks said.  He still seemed concerned.

“Actually, I need to go,” I said.  I didn’t really want to be a part of Alex’s family’s problems.  Alex could fend for himself if he just told his parents how he was feeling.

“Wait,” Alex called after me as I was walking out.  “I’m sorry for the trouble GC.”

“No problem Alex.  Just tell your dad the truth.  He’s a good listener even if he does ask a lot of questions.  Let him know how you’re feeling.  I don’t think it will be that bad.”

“I’ll call you later, GC.  Thanks.”

Alex went back to talk to his dad and I went out to my truck.  As I started the engine my passenger door opened and Becky hopped in.

“What are you doing?”

“Drive GC.  Just drive.”

Shit.  I didn’t know why she was being so pissed, but I knew I wouldn’t have long to find out.

“I can’t believe you didn’t call me GC.”

“Sorry.  I didn’t think Alex wanted to talk to you guys.  He thought you all hated him because he was gay.”

“That’s just bullshit!” Becky snorted.  “My parents were surprised, but I knew all along and didn’t care.”

I shrugged, “I don’t know Beks.  He just felt that way.  I kinda figured it wasn’t a big deal for you guys.”

“You should have called me anyway.  I could have come and gotten him.  We could have talked it out.”

“Sorry.”

We rode in silence for awhile and then she asked, “Did he hit on you?”

I laughed.  “Yeah.  He was pretty drunk.”

Becky didn’t seem to find this as amusing as I did.

“You’re not his usual type,” she said.  “Don’t be too flattered.”

“I didn’t think he really had a type.  He told me that Rene was his only boyfriend.  He hadn’t known he was gay before France.”

“Well, Rene was a real flamer,” she said.  “Flamboyant and feminine.  Nothing like you.”

“I knew Alex wasn’t really serious, Becky.  I don’t know why this is a big deal.  He was shit-faced drunk.”

I ended up taking Becky out to the Bistro for lunch mostly to get her off my back.  She seemed a bit jealous that Alex had shown some interest in me.  I knew I hadn’t been spending a lot of time with her, so I also agreed to take her to a show the next weekend.

“We’ll make a real date of it?” she asked hopefully.  “You won’t have to leave early because you have to work the next day?”

“No.  It will be a real date.  I can stay out as late as you want,” I assured her.

As I suspected, once Alex spoke to his parents about his feelings about being gay and about not wanting to be a doctor, they were supportive.  Dr. Fairbanks was disappointed, but he just wanted his son’s happiness.

“I didn’t think he’d give in this easily,” Alex told me while we were jogging one afternoon a few days after he got home.  We’d started meeting at the gym and then going for runs after I got off of work.

“So what are you going to do now that you aren’t going to go into the family practice?”

“I think I’m going to be a vet,” Alex said, shocking the hell out of me.

“An animal doctor?  I thought you didn’t want to be a doctor at all.”

“No, I just didn’t want to be a shrink.  I’ve always loved animals.  I get along with them and understand them sometimes better than people.”

“That’s cool,” I said.  “So, I suppose you’ve got to go back to school after all.”

“Yes, but most of my pre-med studies transfer.  I can get my veterinary license here in Twinbrook.”

“That’s great.  I bet that will make your family happy.  Race you to the end of the block,” I said, passing Alex in a burst of speed.  We both liked to challenge each other to little contests like this.  I laughed as I heard Alex call me a cheating ass-wipe from behind me.

Later, when we were walking through the park to cool down, I teased Alex about eating my dust on the run.

“Has it ever occurred to you that I let you win?” Alex asked me.

I punched him playfully in the arm.  “You didn’t let me win.  I can outrun you any day of the week!  I fight fires for a living.  Look at these guns!” I laughed, showing him my muscles.  We were getting close to the fire station where we were planning to get a shower before going back to my place to eat with TJ and Roselyn.

“Nice biceps, but if I wanted to outrun you, I could.  I like letting you win because I get to stare at your fine ass while you run.”

While I just stood their gaping at him, he gave me a hard slap on said ass and then yelled, “Beat you to the showers, Fireman!” as he took off running.

“Alex!” I was so surprised at the slap and the innuendo that I never quite got the burst of speed that I needed to catch him.

Or maybe I tried to lose to give Alex time to get to the shower first.  It wouldn’t have been the first time that I had showered with other guys.  I was on the wrestling and baseball teams in high school.  Coach wouldn’t let any of us leave without showering up, so we all got pretty used to seeing each other’s junk.  I wouldn’t have thought twice about showering with Alex after a run either, except that his remark about my ass had sort of gotten to me.  Becky had said that I wasn’t Alex’s type, but maybe she was wrong.  Did Alex like me?

No.  I shook my head and followed him up to the station’s bathroom.  Alex and I were just friends.  He knew I wasn’t gay.  He was just trying to tweak me so that he could beat me at a race.  He hadn’t really been flirting.

But I couldn’t get the idea that Alex liked me out of my mind.  We were hanging out almost every afternoon and evening.  We ran, worked out, and played video games like guy friends do.  We even watched sports on TV.  Alex didn’t do anything that made me think that there was more to our friendship, but I couldn’t get him out of my mind.

And then I had the dream.

We were at the fire station just like we had been after our run that week.  Only this time, Alex and I got to the showers at the same time.  Like dreams do, one minute we were outside the station, and then next we were up in the showers together.  It was like I was outside of my body, looking at the two of us.  He got in before me and I stepped in behind him and then there was nothing but spray, but I knew that more was happening.  Then the dream skipped again, and I was on the floor in one of the rooms the station had for when we had to pull late shifts.  I don’t know why I was on the floor and not a bed, but I saw Alex sort of kneel over me and then dip his head down to my straining erection.

I woke up from the dream sweating.  The only person who’d ever gone down on me was Becky.  I had no idea why I’d dreamt of Alex doing it.  Was I gay?  I didn’t think so.  I didn’t look at other men and fantasize about them.  But then again, I really didn’t look at women and fantasize about them either.

I got out of bed.  “Fucking dreams,” I muttered while I stretched.  I adjusted myself in my shorts and then cursed again when I realized I was semi-aroused.  I got up to take a shower.  I took care of myself under the hot spray of the water.  I did it matter-of-factly, without thinking of anyone, male or female.  Then I washed myself off.

“What’s up with you GC?” TJ asked me at work that day.  I’d been distracted ever since I came in.

“Nothing,” I said, getting back to the maintenance I was doing on the engine.

“It’s not nothing,” he pestered.  “You’re acting like a complete ass.  Are you and Becky fighting?”

“I’m not going out with Becky!” I snarled, hitting my thumb instead of the part I was working on.  “Fuck!”

“Hey, no need for profanity!” TJ laughed.  “And I thought you and Becky had a date tomorrow night?”

Shit.  I’d forgotten.  I had told Becky that I’d take her to the show at the theatre.  I had promised her a real date complete with late night where most likely she’d want to do more than make out at the end of it.

“Becky and I are not dating,” I said again.  “We’re just friends.”

“Better get that in writing GC.  Becky seems like the type of girl who wants more than friendship.”

“She knows the score.  We’ve never actually gone out.”

“But you have done more, haven’t you?”

“None of your business.”

TJ sighed.  “Just be careful GC.  Girls like Becky can get sort of crazy when you break their hearts.  Don’t do anything to hurt her.  Make sure she knows that there’s nothing more.  And for goodness sake, don’t sleep with her again.  That always sends the wrong message.”

“Thanks for the advice Dr. Phil,” I said sarcastically rolling my eyes.  TJ slapped me on the back and let me get back to my job.

Then the fire alarm started blaring and I had to head out with the others to stop another blaze.

This time it was a house fire, though, and not arson.  The old lady had left her waffles in the oven too long and they’d caught on fire.  She was out in the garden and didn’t hear her alarm, so the fire spread.  By the time she noticed, we were already on our way.

“Thank you for saving most of my house!” she gushed at us when we were done.

“It was nothing, ma’am,” TJ, the senior fireman on the job, said.  I rolled my eyes at him from behind the old lady’s back.

I picked Becky up the next day and took her to dinner at the Bistro before we went to the theatre.

“This is nice GC,” she smiled, when I escorted her to the table on the patio I’d gotten for us.  I thought that it would be nice to eat outside since it was such a mild evening.

“I wanted this to be a special night,” I said, which made her smile even more.  “I know that I’ve been a lousy friend.  I wasn’t meaning to avoid you.”  Ok, so that was a lie, but I really only avoided her because I didn’t want to sleep with her again.  It wasn’t because I didn’t want to hang out with her or stop being her friend.

“You’ve been spending more time with Alex than me,” Becky admonished me.  “I was beginning to get jealous.  Alex always was more popular than me.”

I smiled.  “I’ve always liked you best, Beks.  But you wouldn’t want to go to the gym with me.  You always hated working out.”

She wrinkled her nose.  “It’s so sweaty.”

“Yeah.  And believe me, you wouldn’t like it.  We run at least 5 miles and do about an hour of strength training.”

“Ick.  You guys are insane.”

“Well, a fireman has to stay in shape.”

“But what about Alex?  What’s his excuse?”

“I don’t know.  I guess he just likes working out.”

“Or maybe he likes ogling all of the other sweaty guys in the room.”

“Ew.  Now that is gross,” I said, but privately I thought she might be right.  At least I thought that Alex had been ogling me sweating in the gym.  And I really wasn’t sure how I felt about that, either.  I should be grossed out that another man found me attractive, but I wasn’t.

Was I gay, too?  I wasn’t checking Alex out.  I had never really thought about him that way.  If I was gay, shouldn’t I be turned on when he sweat?  Wouldn’t I like that?

“GC, what are you thinking about?”

“Um…nothing.  There was a fire yesterday.”  Smooth recovery.

“Not another arson fire?”

“No.  This one was a house fire.  An old lady burned her waffles and half of her kitchen down.”

“Oh no!”

“Yeah.  And then TJ was all Ah, shucks it was nothin’ and he called her ma’am.  I thought that was funny.”

We continued to make small talk for the rest of the meal.  I tried to keep my mind off of Alex.  I was on a date with his sister.  I shouldn’t be thinking of him.

The show at the Theatre was entertaining and we had a good time.  By the end of it, I had put Alex out of my mind.  Afterwards, I took Becky back to my apartment.  I knew that she wanted to be alone with me.  She was still living with her parents, so we couldn’t go there.

Of course Becky was excited about the prospect of sleeping with me again.  She was practically plastered against my side in the truck and her hand rubbed up and down on my thigh, inching ever closer to my crotch.

“Becky,” I hissed, when she finally touched me there.  “Be careful.  I have to concentrate on the road.  I don’t want to get a ticket.”

She laughed.  “You watch the road and I will concentrate on this,” she said, giving me a playful squeeze.  Then I felt her unzip my pants.

“Becky!”  I swerved when I felt her hand wrap around me, pumping me.

“Concentrate GC.”

I have no idea how I made it home.  I was ready to explode, though, by the time we got to my driveway and pulled into the garage.

“Let’s do it here,” Becky suggested, undoing her seatbelt and climbing into my lap.  She pressed down on me so I could feel her wetness through her panties.

“Fuck,” I said.

“Yes,” she agreed.

She lifted up so that I could pull those wet panties off.  She lowered herself onto me, but I managed to stop her before she got too far.

“Condom,” I hissed.

“Where?”

She shifted so that I could get the little packet out of my wallet.  I was grateful as heck that I had remembered to put one in there.

Finally protected, Becky impaled herself on me fully.  I groaned as she rose up and then down again.  Then I grabbed her hips and helped her move faster, pushing into her as far as I could.

I thought for sure I would come before her, but as I lost control, I felt her do the same.  And as I came, I thought, “I can’t be gay if I can come this hard with a girl.”  But that was a lie because as I looked into Becky’s green eyes, I saw Alex’s violet ones.  I ran my hands through Becky’s strawberry blond hair, and pictured Alex’s flaxen waves.

“Fuck,” I said.

“Yes,” Becky agreed, but she didn’t know why I was swearing.

Going into the house, we arranged ourselves enough so that if we’d encountered TJ or Roselyn, they probably wouldn’t have suspected what we’d been up to in the garage, but we didn’t see them.  I knew immediately, that our little adventure in the truck wasn’t going to be the end of the night.  Becky was a really sexual girl.  She’d wanted me for months and I’d been putting her off.  Now she had me and she wasn’t going to let me go.

“I want you again,” she said, kissing me fiercely, biting down on my lip.  I imagined Alex doing the same thing.  I wondered if his lips would be soft like Becky’s or harder.

I kissed her back.  In between kisses, we removed our clothes.  I fondled Becky’s breasts.  I knew that Alex wouldn’t have breasts.  Would he like it if I sucked his nipples like I sucked Becky’s?  I wondered if I’d like it if someone sucked on mine.  Maybe?

We were still standing when we were fully naked.  I remembered that the last time we’d almost had sex at my apartment, Becky had wanted to do it standing up against the door in my room.  She seemed to want something similarly forceful now.  But I had a different position in mind.  I maneuvered us over to the couch.

Alex had slept there the night he’d stayed over at my place.  He’d crashed in a drunken stupor.  Becky was wide awake and looking at me like she could eat me alive.  I wasn’t going to let her.

“Turn around.”

She did.  I pushed her to her knees and told her what I was going to do, how I was going to do it.

“Now, GC,” she said, as demanding as always.  This time, though, I complied.  I positioned myself and took her from behind.  The whole time I kept thinking that this is how it would be with Alex.

And then in mid stroke I realized what I was doing:  I was fantasizing about a man.

Alex.

Becky’s brother.

That wasn’t right.  I should have been thinking about Becky.  So I pulled out of her, causing her to moan in disappointment.  But when I turned her to face me, sliding into her again, she sighed with pleasure.

I forced myself to look at Becky and think only of her as we continued, but then she cried out, “Oh god GC, I love you!” as she came a second time.

That broke my heart.  I held her as she shuddered.  I kissed her, told her that she was beautiful, and put my head on her heart.  We stayed that way for awhile.  I hadn’t come, so I was still fully lodged inside her.

“GC, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“I think there is.”  Becky wiggled on me, trying to get me to let her up or continue, but I held on.

“Don’t move, Beks.”

“Why?  Afraid you’re going to come?”

“No.  Yeah. Maybe.”

“Don’t you want to?”  She shifted again.

“Not yet.”

“GC,” she begged.

I sighed.  I was either going to have to tell Becky that I couldn’t love her like she loved me, or I was going to have to finish what I started.  I was still hard inside her, so I opted for the latter.

“Keep your legs around me, Beks,” I said, the only warning I gave her as I started to stand.

“Oh, god!” she gasped as the movement slid me even farther into her, probably hurting her a little.

“Hold on!”

I held her to me as I walked us to the bedroom.  This would be our last time together, I promised myself.  I was going to make it a good one for her because I suspected she was going to hate me after I told her what I was beginning to suspect about myself.

“GC, what are you doing?” she asked, as I laid her down on the bed.  I knelt between her legs, reaching down to touch her.  “Shh,” I said, as I dipped my head  “You liked this last time.”  As I touched my mouth to her, I hoped that Becky would forgive me.

Because, by the time I allowed myself to come, it wasn’t Becky’s name I screamed.  I was behind her again, pushing into her one last time, and I deliberately said the name I’d been thinking about all night:

“Alex!”

I avoided Becky by throwing myself into my studies at the Fire Academy. At first mostly I learned how to maintain the fire engine and the alarm system at the station. These are important chores that all junior grade firemen need to know. With proper care of our tools, we can be safer in real fire situations.

When I got opportunities to actually work at the station, I realized that being a fireman involves a lot of waiting around.  Sometimes I got to go on ride-alongs with the real firemen, but mostly I just hung out with them.

Not all of it was boring, though.  I learned how to put out small fires using the hose. Most of these were simulated in an abandoned lot owned by the department. And I learned how to respond to danger situations. Not all emergencies a fireman deals with are due to fires. Some involve faulty equipment causing sparks in a building or something like that.

Of course, I couldn’t avoid Becky entirely. I did have weekends free and she insisted that I go out and have some fun after working so hard.

“Meet me at the Rooster,” she insisted. “Or I’ll take to you to the Grind.”

“Ugh,” I said. “No dancing. You know I have two left feet. Remember prom?”

Becky laughed. “Of course I remember prom. But what I remember most is prom night.”

I remembered prom night, too. How could I have forgotten it? It was a night I fervently wished I could do over. I should never have come down from my bunk to kiss Becky goodnight. If I hadn’t done that, maybe I wouldn’t have to avoid spending so much time with her just to keep her from coming back to my apartment with me.

For the most part I was able to keep my vow to not have sex with Becky again. Even though she flirted with me, making suggestive remarks, brushing up against me, and kissing me whenever she could, I was able to use work as an excuse to go home by myself.

“Not tonight Becky. I know it’s a weekend, but TJ is going to show me how to uncoil the hose faster tomorrow. We’re going to the station to get some extra practice in.”

“You’re always working GC. Don’t you ever get a night off?”

“Tonight is my night off.”

“What about taking the whole weekend off? We could stay up late tonight and sleep in tomorrow…or not,” she grinned, running a hand down my chest.

“Training is important, Beks. I have to take it seriously. It may mean the difference between life and death.”

In the end, Becky really couldn’t force me to bring her home with me. She could flirt and suggest, but if we were going to just be friends, I didn’t have to take her up on her offers. I just hoped that she’d get the message and find someone else to focus her attentions on.

At work, I eventually finished training and actually got to do my job. It was great being able to work with my brother. But TJ was sort of distracted on the job. Turns out, shortly after I moved in with them, Roselyn discovered she was pregnant. Of course they were both excited for their first child, but I knew that TJ was also a little bit panicky.

“What if she has triplets?” TJ wondered. “Mom and Dad had a hard time with you three. Always crying. Always pooping. And never at the same time!”

“Triplets are like a fluke thing, Teej. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure the doctor would have told you if you were having multiples.”

“They could be wrong. Twins and triplets run in mom’s family.”

“But not in Roselyn’s, right?” TJ shook his head no, momentarily comforted.

The closer Roselyn came to giving birth, though, the more things TJ found to worry about. He was one of those guys who planned out everything. He had their bags packed for the hospital after only six months. Both Roselyn and I tried not to tease him about it.

Of course when she did go into labor, TJ was a wreck. He flailed around like an idiot, screaming and hollering. He was so loud that I heard him even in the basement. When I came upstairs, I saw Roselyn calmly getting dressed to go to the hospital.

“Need me to drive?” I asked.

“No. TJ can do it.” She looked at him. “I think.”

“Keys, keys, where’d I put the keys!” He looked around for the set he had dangling from his left hand.

“They’re right here,” I said grabbing them. “Maybe I better go with you.”

“Suitcase. Need suitcase.”

Roselyn held up her bag. Eventually, the two of us managed to usher my brother into the car and then Roselyn insisted on driving.  Since I didn’t want to fight her on that, I just let her, but I sat in the front just to make sure she’d be ok.

I waited a few hours in the waiting room while TJ went into delivery with Roselyn. I don’t know what good he would do, but he had taken all of those birthing classes. Maybe the training would kick in before the baby actually showed up.

I was chatting with Laura, who had been on call that night at the hospital, when TJ came down to tell me that Roselyn had given birth to a healthy baby boy.

“He’s so beautiful,” he told us. “And there’s only one.”

Laura and I laughed. He told us they named the baby Theo.

Since TJ got paternity leave, I was working a lot more at the station covering for him. And we were getting a lot of calls. An arsonist was active in our area. He had been starting small fires all over town. So far none of them had been that dangerous or life-threatening. Mostly they’d caused more property damage.

Uncle Julian and the police were doing everything they could to find out who the arsonist was, but in the meantime we had to put out his fires and hope they caught him before he escalated his attacks.

“Do they have any leads, Dad?” I asked over Sunday dinner with my parents. “Has there been any forensic evidence that might tell you who is behind all of this destruction?”

Dad, who had yet to retire despite Mom’s insistence that he was too old to be going down to the station each week, just shook his head. “This one is a slippery bastard. He seems to know exactly what to do to avoid detection.”

“How do you know these fires are arson and not just fires?” Mom asked.

“There are ways to tell,” TJ said. He went on to explain about start patterns, burn rate and the way a typical house fire or office fire might occur and how an arsonist could simulate, but not completely duplicate those effects.

“It takes someone really skilled to get away with it,” I added. “Or someone who causes so much damage that there is no evidence remaining to indicate how the fire started.”

“Is this arsonist skilled?”

“Not enough to go undetected as an arsonist, but skilled enough not to leave clues,” Dad answered.

When I was ready to leave, Dad gave my shoulder a squeeze.  “Don’t worry about the arsonist, son.  We’ll catch the guy.”

“I know dad.  I just hope we get him before he destroys even more property or hurts someone.”

After supper with my parents, I decided to drive to the gym to work out instead of going home. Theo was a sweet baby and I loved him, but he was LOUD. Even down in my man cave, I could hear his cries. I didn’t feel like going home and having to listen to him and wish that TJ and Roselyn would find a way to make him stop faster than they were able to. Both of them were like zombies. I don’t think either had slept much since he’d been born. He was just a really fussy baby.

At the gym I was surprised to see Alex Fairbanks working out. He’d let his hair grow out, so I almost didn’t recognize him. I hadn’t heard that he’d come back from Champs Les Sim already. I guess I had been more preoccupied with work than I realized, though I was surprised that Becky hadn’t mentioned it.

“Hey, Alex,” I said when he saw me. “I didn’t know you were back in town.”

“Yeah. Just got back.”

I went to work at the machine next to him, and we lifted in silence for awhile.

“How was France,” I finally asked.

“Oh, it was ok,” he answered. I was surprised he didn’t say more. I remember he talked nearly the whole time I had been at his house after graduation. I wondered if his reticence had something to do with the secret he hadn’t been willing to share in front of me that time.

“Are you back for good?” I asked, trying to draw him out.

“Yeah, I guess,” he grunted, letting his weights fall. He got off the bench and headed to the treadmill.

I finished my set and went to the machine next to him. For some reason, I wanted to find out what was going on. Alex didn’t look comfortable to see me start up running beside him.

“Must be nice to be home,” I said once I got my rhythm going. “I bet Becky and your folks were excited to see you.”

Alex didn’t say anything, so I tried again.

“It’s funny, though,” I said. “Becky never mentioned that you were coming home. Last time you were home, she was really excited and couldn’t shut up about it.”

“She doesn’t know I’m back,” he finally answered, startling me. I looked over at him. He was looking down at the numbers on his treadmill. He seemed fascinated by the calorie burn or the miles per hour he’d run.

“She doesn’t know?”

“No.”

“What about your parents?”

Alex snorted. “Nope.” He increased the speed of his machine so that he was sprinting.

I knew something was wrong, so I just let him run it out. Eventually he had to give up the speed and slow down again to catch his breath. I waited until he was able to talk again before I asked another question.

“Hey Alex, want to go get a beer or something? You can explain to me why you’re here instead of at home being welcomed by your family.”

“No offense GC, but I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Maybe you should.”

Alex laughed. “I’m actually kind of surprised you don’t already know. You and Becky are going out, right? Don’t you two tell each other everything?”

“What?” I was so surprised by his words that I missed a step on my treadmill and nearly fell. “Whoa. Who said we were going out?”

“Well aren’t you?”

“Um, no. We’re just friends.”

Alex and I both stopped our machines and jumped off. “I thought you were dating,” he said.

“She was supposed to explain it to you,” I said, remembering that Becky had promised to set Alex straight. “We’ve just been good friends. We’ve known each other for a long time.”

Alex looked thoughtful. “I’m still sort of surprised she didn’t tell you,” he said.

“Tell me what? We haven’t hung out a lot lately. I’ve been sort of busy with work and…I guess I’m sort of avoiding her.” I hoped if I opened up to Alex he would open up to me. He looked like he needed a friend. I remembered how everyone used to like him back in school. I wondered why he hadn’t kept in touch with any of those old friends.

“Let’s go get that drink, GC. You can tell me why you’re avoiding my sister and I’ll tell you why I am.”

“Fair enough.”

So we ended up at the Watering Hole. It was actually my first time in the establishment, but I didn’t want Alex to know that I was such a light weight. He was so well traveled and smart, I didn’t want him to think I was a bumpkin.

“Tell me about Becky?” I asked Alex before he could ask me once we’d ordered and received our drinks at the bar.

“She and the folks are sort of upset with me right now,” he said. “I left France early.”

“You quit school?”

“Sort of.”

“How can you ‘sort of’ quit school?”

“You get kicked out.” Alex took a swig of his drink, and headed over to a table to sit down.  I just stood there in shock. Alex had been the smartest kid I knew…smarter even than Laura, who was the valedictorian of my graduating class.

When I took a seat across from him, I asked, “You got expelled?”

“Yeah. That’s what happens when you stop going to class.”

“But why would you do that?”

Alex shrugged. “Lots of reasons. I realized I hated medicine. I also realized that I hated the idea of going into practice with my old man. He wanted me to be a psychologist just like him. Did you know that?”

I nodded. I knew that Dr. Fairbanks had been really proud that Alex was going to medical school and that he’d been accepted into the prestigious exchange program with the French hospitals. “Becky told me about it,” I said.

“Well, it was never really my dream. I figured that out when I met someone over there.”

“The artist,” I said, remembering his conversation at dinner with his family.

“The artist. Yes.” Alex got a faraway look in his eyes. He was clearly remembering his lover.

“What happened to her? Is she the reason you stopped going to class?”

“Do you remember how I was at dinner that night you guys graduated? I was so excited. I wanted to tell my parents all about my friend in France?” When I nodded, he continued, “I thought my parents would be happy for me. I mean, I really thought they’d support me. Dad’s a shrink, isn’t he supposed to be supportive of everyone? No matter what?”

Alex took another drink. I looked confused. Why wouldn’t his parents have been happy about him finding someone he loved?

“They didn’t want you to date someone from France?”

“No. They didn’t want me to date this specific person. GC, don’t you get it? Can’t you tell?”

I shook my head. What was I supposed to tell?

“I’m gay, GC. My lover, the artist, his name was Rene.”

I heard his words and I processed what he was saying. Alex was gay. I took a drink. I still didn’t completely understand. Ok, so Alex liked guys. Is that why his parents didn’t know he was home?

“So?” I finally said.

“So…” Alex waved his hand sort of vaguely.

“They were mad?”

“No. Dad was…disappointed. He got all psychoanalyst on me. He asked me if I was just experimenting because I was in a foreign environment.”

I could see Dr. Fairbanks doing that. When I saw him as a patient, it used to annoy the crap out of me when he’d answer my questions with questions. I had hated that.

“What about your mom?”

“She cried, but she asked me to tell her all about Rene. She tried to be excited for me, but how could she be when I’d never give her grandchildren or something like that. I don’t know. It didn’t seem so genuine when I’d tell her how funny he was and she’d hiccup and sniffle and wipe away tears with her tissue.”

“Maybe she was just surprised.”

“That’s for sure.”

“And Becky?”

“Becky said she always knew I was gay. She was surprised that I hadn’t figured it out before I went to France.”

“Sounds like Becky,” I said. I swallowed the remainder of my drink and ordered another round for both of us.

“I still don’t get why you haven’t gone home.”

“They don’t really want to see me,” Alex said, sounding bitter. “They all acted like everything was fine, but I knew it wasn’t. They never once asked me about Rene when I called from France after I got back. They just talked about school. And then, when things with Rene and I got a little strained, no one wanted to talk to me about that either.”

“So you’re not with him anymore?”

“No. It was over before I came back. He didn’t like it that I had dropped out of school. He said I was acting like a bum and I needed to get my head on straight.”

“Sounds like he was right.”

“And I hated that. I was awful to him. We fought and I decided to just pack it up and come home. So here I am.”

“Here you are, but what are you going to do?”

“Fuck if I know.”

Alex got up and headed to the shuffleboard table.  He dropped in a few simoleons and the little pucks were dispensed from a slot in the side.  “Game?” he asked me.  I said sure, and we started to play.

I knew Alex didn’t want to talk about his folks, but I couldn’t let it go.  “You should go home,” I finally said.

“Why? So that I’ll get the same lecture from dear old dad? He’ll ask me if I have analyzed the root of my problem. He’ll tell me that I need to accept myself or some shit like that before I can be accepted by others.”

“Sounds like something he’d say.”

“Well, I do accept myself. He’s the one who doesn’t accept me.”

I wasn’t sure if that was true, but what did I know about Alex’s situation? All I knew was that if you couldn’t go to your family when you were hurting, you were in really bad shape. I didn’t think Alex’s family was much different from my own. Yes, Becky could be pushy and Dr. Fairbanks always asked questions, but they seemed like a very close family.

Alex and I played in companionable silence for awhile. He ordered himself another drink, but I declined when the bartender offered me one.

Seeing Alex down another swallow of the concoction we’d been drinking, I got an idea.  “You know what I’m going to do to help you, Alex?”

“What’s that?”  He looked over at me.

“Well, first I’m going to kick your ass at this game,” I said as he slid a puck down the board.  He was currently ahead 5-0, but I knew I could turn it around.

“Oh yeah?”  He pumped a fist when his puck out-distanced mine…again.

“Yeah,” I said with confidence I really didn’t feel.  “And I’m going to let you get drunk.” I added. “Then I’m going to take you home.”

Alex, who was pretty close to getting to that drunk point already, gave me a strange look. “Are you propositioning me?”

I laughed. “Me? No. I’m just going to help you out.”  I lined up to take my shot, but as always I missed.  “Crap.”

“You suck at this, GC,” Alex mocked me.  Then he said, “Don’t know how dumping my drunk ass off at the folks’ will help me, but it will surely be interesting.”

“Yeah, sure will.  But first I have to win this game.”

“If you beat me, GC, I’ll willingly let you take me to my parents’ house.  How’s that?”

“You’re on.  Best two out of three.”

So we continued playing.  I lost the first game, of course, but Alex kept ordering drinks for himself while I kept declining.  His game went steadily down hill.

While we played, Alex got me to tell him why I was avoiding Becky. I told him about prom night and how we’d lost our virginity together.

“If I wasn’t so drunk, I might have to punch you for fuckin’ my baby sister,” he said to me. “She’s just a kid.”

“Who Becky? We were both kids. Stupid kids messing around after prom.”

“Stupid prom,” Alex agreed.

Then I explained about the night in my apartment and all of the times she’d tried to get me to repeat it. “Who knew my sister was such a slut,” he slurred.

“She’s not,” I defended her.

“Sounds like it. She practically raped you just ‘cause she was horny.”

“No she didn’t,” I insisted. “And you shouldn’t talk about your sister that way.” Alex sort of laughed, but I could tell it was the alcohol that made it seem so funny.

“’Kay. But jus’ sayin’.”

“I win!” I finally boasted at the end of the third game.  Alex, who was pretty unsteady on his feet, missed my hand when I held it up for a high five.

“I guess that means it’s time to go home,” he said drunkenly.  He let me walk him out to my truck to drive him over to the Fairbanks’ house.  Because Alex could barely walk, I practically had to hold him up to get him out of the bar.

“Sure you’re not prop..propo….prop’sitionin’ me?” Alex stuttered drunkenly, when I put my arm around him.

“I’m sure.” I laughed.  “Let’s get you home.”

I had no idea how hard it would be to maneuver a drunk person into a truck, but getting Alex strapped in was a chore. When I put the seatbelt around him, Alex hit on me.

“Too bad you’re not gay, GC. You’ve got good hair.”

“What does hair have to do with anything?” I chuckled, leaning away from Alex to strap myself into my own seatbelt.

“Nothin’. Jus’ a stupid gay cliché. Hey, that rhymed.” Alex snickered.

“You’re a poet and didn’t know it.” Alex continued to laugh at my lame joke.

I started the truck and headed out to the Fairbanks’.   Alex didn’t say much more as we drove, but, when we were nearly there, he looked at me almost soberly and said, “I can’t GC. I can’t go home yet. Please. Don’t take me there.”

“You should see your parents,” I insisted.

“Not yet. Not like this. Tomorrow? I promise I’ll go tomorrow. You can take me yourself, but don’t take me now.”

I nodded. “Ok, but where will you go?”

Alex looked at me imploringly, “Do you have a couch?”

I nodded.

“I promise I won’t throw up on it. I’m not that drunk.”

“Yes you are. But I’ll let you sleep there anyway. I’ve got a bucket.”

“You’re a good friend, GC.”

I nodded again, though Alex didn’t see it. He leaned his head against the window and fell asleep. He was snoring lightly when I pulled into my garage and parked the truck.

It was easier to get Alex out of the truck and down to my apartment. He was completely passed out, so I used my training to fireman’s carry him. He was heavier than he looked, but I didn’t mind. I felt bad that I’d allowed him to get so drunk. It hadn’t been a good idea. I was glad I hadn’t taken him to his parents.

Alex woke slightly when I plopped him on the couch.

“Sorry Buddy,” I murmured when he groaned. “Bathrooms over there,” I pointed behind me. “If you have to yak, try to make it to the john.”

“’Kay,” he answered, but his eyes stayed closed.

I figured I should at least remove his shoes so he’d be more comfortable. He stirred a little when I did this.

“You ok, Alex?”

“Yeah. Sorry, GC.”

“It’s nothing. My fault anyway.”

“Nuh uh,” he moved his head as if to say no, but this seemed to be more than he could handle. I could see him turn slightly green.

“Bathroom!” I urged, and heaved him up and helped him sort of stumble-run to the toilet. I stood there awkwardly listening to him hurl the contents of his stomach, not knowing really what to do. I guess that was one way to prevent a massive hangover in the morning. I got Alex a glass of water and made him drink it after he was finished throwing up.

“You going to make it now?” I asked when he had swallowed it all.

“Yeah. Sorry again.”

“Can you get to the couch on your own?”

“Sure.”

I stepped aside and watched as Alex shuffled to the couch and collapsed. When I was sure he would be relatively fine, I headed to my room, shutting the door.

As I fell asleep, I thought about Alex in the other room. I hoped he’d be ok. I wondered if his parents would forgive him and show him how much they loved him no matter what. I had to believe they would…that’s what my mom and dad would do.